The Reflections of a Runner

This week, I have run on three separate occasions. One mile at a time. Never in my wildest imagination would I have ever said that about myself. Who knew that seeing Dillon start running last summer to eventually training for a half marathon would spark a desire to run. I've always been the kind to complain. To write myself off before trying. To expect that I would give up. I mostly expect that if there is some sort of expectation put on me by someone else, I will most likely fail to live up to those expectations. And yet, I decided to say yes to running.

I surprise myself too. I almost didn't want to start because I assumed I wouldn't be able to run the whole mile and didn't want to try and give up. I didn't want to prove myself right. But surprisingly (or not surprisingly), I have run the whole time. AND on top of that, I have already noticed improvement in three short days. Sunday. Monday. Thursday. It gives me hope that I can accomplish more than I give myself credit for. It is a slap in the face for all the ways I've written myself off in so many other areas of my life.

I can't help but also reflect upon the overall affect that Dillon has had on my life. He is undoubtedly the most affirming person I have ever known. He brings grace when I would have normally received shame or excuses. He doesn't do things perfectly and yet he inspires me to be more honest, more hopeful, more prayerful. He wouldn't even say or think that he does any of these things well, and yet...he does. I see his heart, the ways he strives for God, and it makes me a better person. I've started flossing more. I actually enjoyed hiking Half Dome. I invested in tools to help me create music and I've started to create more than I have before. I help wash dishes without being asked. And I've started running.

I couldn't have done many of those things without Dillon. And I'm not saying that none of this was possible without him, because over time I maybe could have grown into a more mature person one would hope. I am just reflecting over how joyful this growing season has been this past year and eight months. I am overjoyed more than most people would realize that I have run three times this past week and have not stopped to walk. I thank God for a running partner like my Dilly. He is the best person I would have ever wanted to start running with. And I semi-enjoy it. It's kind of a miracle.

Did you know?

Let it be known to the world that I am choosing this year to be a musically creative one. I have been feeling called to do more with music since August and I am now beginning to understand that this is a part of who I am and God has made me to be a creative person. I love when I hear beautifully crafted compositions of music. I am listening to Pandora and a Hans Zimmer song came up. Did you know that he was not formally trained? He only had some piano lessons as a child. He used his keyboard and synthesizer as his start to where he is today. He is my newfound hero.

I hope to create for the joy of creating. I am finally learning and trying to embrace that I make music for me and not what I think people want to hear or what I think people will like. It's time to let my heart enjoy creating music freely and without restraint.

The Future Is Brighter Than Any Flashback

I'm pretty sure that transitions are difficult for me, no matter how big or small they may be.  Even though the horizon looks like living close to a life giving church community, living and working locally, & being close to people who I love and who love me, I have to admit that leaving Pixar, my kids, and my coworkers will be (as has been) incredibly painful.  I've grown to love the kids I care for, even though I am really happy when we have low numbers and go crazy when they are super whiny.  They have been my community and my friends, people I spent 8-9 hours a day with, 5 days a week for the past 17 months.

As I near the move to San Jose and all that it entails, I realize that I really am growing up. And that I am growing further away from a student/college perspective.  And even though it pains me to move on and choose to leave the familiarity of Pixar, I can honestly say I am more excited about what the future holds than ever before in any time of my life.

The little things.

On a particularly awful day, little things make me happy.  Like seeing the city on my commute to work in uncommonly breathtaking beauty.  Eating Jenna's leftover Chipotle.  Being productive.  Receiving a new phone (for free!) since my old one stopped working.

But what makes me the most happy is an email I got from my baby's mom.  I didn't get to see her today since she picked M up after I left.  This is the first line...

"I heard M reserved his poop in the potty for your supervision today! A true sign of trust. I'm sure you are honored."

Tehehe. My baby makes me happy.  He spontaneously gives me hugs and tells me that he loves me. He's a goof, he's observant and curious about the world.  He's especially loves anything Christmas related. He adds his own ad-libs to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Like a light bulb! Like a train! I really like trains!). He noticed the teacher pile of presents from parents ("YOU HAVE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS MANDA! CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!! ").  He noticed the decorations we hung during nap time ("SNOWFLAKES!! FOR CHRISTMAS!! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!")

I really could keep going.  And I don't think any of you doubt that statement. I'll stop for now (:

There's a fine line between our progress and our instability.

Hospitality & Generosity.

I have had the opportunity to stay at various apartments and homes in the past month.  I asked friends if I could stay with them and let me impose on their lives in the midst of their busyness.  It has recently occurred to me that hospitality is an integral way to tangibly remind people of their worth and value.  As I have been on the receiving end of hospitality, I have to choose to let them serve me.  Accepting hospitality is an intentional act to not feel like a burden.  If I feel like a burden, then I'm actually not letting them serve me.  If I feel as though I am imposing or not worth their time, then I am actually choosing to reject kindness.

To those who have invited me into your homes this month, thank you.  Thank you for helping me understand God's tangible love for me better.  Thank you for your conversations, for breakfast and/or coffee, for a place to shower and sleep.  Thank you for being generous with your time and resources.  I had no idea what an impact it would make on my heart, but it has made quite an impression.  Thank you for reminding me that I am worth people's time.

If hospitality and generosity come naturally to you, please don't hold back.  Continue to bless people around you and continue to remind people of their worth and value.  On another note, don't forget to let people provide for you, too.  Self-sufficiency is too valued in this culture.  Learning to let others provide for you might just open your eyes to new and great things.

Oh, just my thoughts.

1. Healthy and holy boundaries suck to keep, but are incredibly life giving.  I'm excited to see how God will bless Dillon and me, and the people around us as we are open and honest about our relationship.

2. I have a hard time believing that I am worth people's time when I am mentally/physically/emotionally tired. I feel like a burden or a waste of time if I am not capable of giving, caring, or thinking of others as much as I would like to.  How do you learn how to feel valuable and worthy of people's time?  How do you go about pursuing healing as it relates to how you think other people view you?

3.  I think I have to learn how to let people care for me. I think it might relate to how I feel like a burden. I am not quite sure what to do/think about these things.

4. I need to not worry and trust that God is my redeemer. I need to believe he can and will take care of people when I am powerless to do anything.

Lots to think about. Hopefully I will have the emotional/mental/physical capacity to process these things soon. So tired. Goodnight.