The little things.

On a particularly awful day, little things make me happy.  Like seeing the city on my commute to work in uncommonly breathtaking beauty.  Eating Jenna's leftover Chipotle.  Being productive.  Receiving a new phone (for free!) since my old one stopped working.

But what makes me the most happy is an email I got from my baby's mom.  I didn't get to see her today since she picked M up after I left.  This is the first line...

"I heard M reserved his poop in the potty for your supervision today! A true sign of trust. I'm sure you are honored."

Tehehe. My baby makes me happy.  He spontaneously gives me hugs and tells me that he loves me. He's a goof, he's observant and curious about the world.  He's especially loves anything Christmas related. He adds his own ad-libs to Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (Like a light bulb! Like a train! I really like trains!). He noticed the teacher pile of presents from parents ("YOU HAVE CHRISTMAS PRESENTS MANDA! CHRISTMAS PRESENTS!!!! ").  He noticed the decorations we hung during nap time ("SNOWFLAKES!! FOR CHRISTMAS!! IT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!")

I really could keep going.  And I don't think any of you doubt that statement. I'll stop for now (:

There's a fine line between our progress and our instability.

Hospitality & Generosity.

I have had the opportunity to stay at various apartments and homes in the past month.  I asked friends if I could stay with them and let me impose on their lives in the midst of their busyness.  It has recently occurred to me that hospitality is an integral way to tangibly remind people of their worth and value.  As I have been on the receiving end of hospitality, I have to choose to let them serve me.  Accepting hospitality is an intentional act to not feel like a burden.  If I feel like a burden, then I'm actually not letting them serve me.  If I feel as though I am imposing or not worth their time, then I am actually choosing to reject kindness.

To those who have invited me into your homes this month, thank you.  Thank you for helping me understand God's tangible love for me better.  Thank you for your conversations, for breakfast and/or coffee, for a place to shower and sleep.  Thank you for being generous with your time and resources.  I had no idea what an impact it would make on my heart, but it has made quite an impression.  Thank you for reminding me that I am worth people's time.

If hospitality and generosity come naturally to you, please don't hold back.  Continue to bless people around you and continue to remind people of their worth and value.  On another note, don't forget to let people provide for you, too.  Self-sufficiency is too valued in this culture.  Learning to let others provide for you might just open your eyes to new and great things.

Oh, just my thoughts.

1. Healthy and holy boundaries suck to keep, but are incredibly life giving.  I'm excited to see how God will bless Dillon and me, and the people around us as we are open and honest about our relationship.

2. I have a hard time believing that I am worth people's time when I am mentally/physically/emotionally tired. I feel like a burden or a waste of time if I am not capable of giving, caring, or thinking of others as much as I would like to.  How do you learn how to feel valuable and worthy of people's time?  How do you go about pursuing healing as it relates to how you think other people view you?

3.  I think I have to learn how to let people care for me. I think it might relate to how I feel like a burden. I am not quite sure what to do/think about these things.

4. I need to not worry and trust that God is my redeemer. I need to believe he can and will take care of people when I am powerless to do anything.

Lots to think about. Hopefully I will have the emotional/mental/physical capacity to process these things soon. So tired. Goodnight.

Thoughts on motherhood.

I feel like a protective mother.  The past couple of weeks, M has been incredibly clingy and super affectionate when he's usually kind of aloof.  He has gotten in the habit of saying, "That's my Manda," whenever another kid is sitting in my lap or giving me a hug.  He'll try to push them off my lap or beat them to me if they haven't actually sat down yet.  Whenever he gets sad or scared, he will cry and come to me.  It's gotten to the point where I actually have to hide myself from his vision so that the other teachers can get him to do anything.

So lately he's been hitting.  Today he was especially aggressive on the yard (when I was inside getting ready for lunches).  When the kids came in from lunch, they were in the bathroom getting their diapers changed and  I hear one of my co-teachers scolding M for hitting a friend.  Then I hear this cry/scream and knew it was him.  It hurt my heart so much to hear him cry out of fear and sadness.  My co-teacher said his heart was beating faster than she's ever seen because he rarely gets scolded as sternly as she did.  I wanted to intervene so badly and just tell him it would be okay, but I knew he wouldn't learn.  I didn't want to hinder his learning process that hitting friends is not okay.  When he finally left the bathroom, he came to me and gave me a great big hug.  I reminded him that it makes us sad when he hits friends and that we need to use our words to tell our friends what we need.  I love him so much and I want to see him grow to be a healthy and well adjusted child.  I have to learn to not smother or spoil or save them from discipline, especially if it's necessary and helpful.  But seriously. Hurt so bad to hear my baby so upset. It's one of those days.

& it keeps on comin'...

It is good.

What a comforting thing for Jesus to say. I had always hoped that someday I would be in a relationship that would be glorifying and testify to God's goodness. I thank God that there is nothing about it that I want to or feel the need to hide. The integrity of it is overwhelming and wonderful. As I continue to reflect on my relationship, I am convinced that I am being obedient to Jesus by saying yes to it.  I am saying yes to letting God show me more about myself.  Yes to actively trusting Jesus with my heart.  Yes to letting someone else's broken affect my life and yes to bringing healing to someone else's life.  Yes to complicating my life for a worthy and noble aim.  It is a beautiful thing that he inspires me to love other well.  I'm excited to be generous, inviting, and hospitable with him.  I cannot for a second take my eyes off of Jesus, otherwise I will see the wind and the growing waves and start to sink.  Still out on the water. And lovin' it. 

Defining Words.

Honesty. Integrity. Vulnerability. Gratitude.

I never thought that there was a man in the world who values those things. AND loves Jesus. AND wants to seek Him first. AND wants to do that with me. AND tells me everyday that I am a precious daughter of God. AND prays against the lies that I believe about myself and relationships. AND lets me speak truth into his life. AND so much more.

I have never known a more redemptive relationship in my life.  I assumed I would be single for a very long time, but God really pulled a freakin' miracle.  Out of thin air. In the span of about a month. I have said for a long time that I do not want to be in relationship if it doesn't make sense.  Ladies and gentlemen. Dillon makes sense. There is no twisting or squirming to try to make it work. This is legitimately good. And I can honestly tell you that not only does Dillon make sense, it is borderline creepy how well we understand each other and each other's relationship with God.  I'm sure with time we will find things we disagree on.  (Dillon has said he is looking forward to arguing with me and is excited for the things we will learn from that. He knows what's up.)

I can't believe God brought such a good man into my life.  He is such a gift.  I am learning to receive the gift of grace.  I am learning to let him provide for me and lead me.  I am excited. And I think he is going to be around for a long time.

God gets all the credit. Hallelujah. He is good. My mind is blown.

THANK YOU JESUS. I am so undeserving of this extravagant grace and blessing. You are so good to  us. 

It's time.

I've spent most of August working out my emotions, my grief, & my joy.  The emotional roller coaster made time with Jesus incredibly necessary for sanity and peace.  But now that most of the crazy changes have occurred, I'm beginning to settle into a new normal for this next season of life.  I'm grateful for the ways that God and people have cared for me and supported me this month.  I am looking forward to being emotionally available to care for others like I have been so extravagantly cared for these past few weeks.  There comes a point where being on the receiving end of blessing becomes stagnant and not life giving anymore.  Time to let the blessing flow out again.  Exciting times! Thanks J.

Happy girl!

I am a happy girl. Surprised. Scared. Uncomfortable. Excited. Shocked. Giddy. Expectant.

I don't know why Jesus has decided to bring this into my life now, in this moment, but it has been sufficiently stretching.  It has taken an incredible amount of trust and prayer to be okay with this change in my life.  I tend to freak out occasionally, but when I remember to sit in the presence of my maker, I sense that He is beckoning me to start taking risks again.  Which inevitably means learning to trust others.  And when I sit in His presence, He encourages and invites me to embrace how wonderfully awkward new beginnings can be.

So he asked me a question, and I said yes. I thought you would never ask....!
(Actually, seriously. I really never thought he would.) 

Unexpected.

So I have been out walking on the water, so to speak, for a little bit now.  How incredibly crazy and unexpected life has been since I prayed that radically bold and slightly idiotic prayer.  

This summer has been quite eventful as far as post college life goes.  I decided to bite the bullet and try going to a new church, which has been one of the most life giving decisions.  All throughout college, I never found a church that I felt like I could call home, nor want to be involved in.  In the short time that I have been going to the River, I really think that I want to stay here for a long time and be involved.  God has also blessed me in other very tangible and deeper ways through the community that I am beginning to build at The River.  

While the past year was one of the driest, uncertain, and directionless years of my adult life, it seems like my life since June has been placed on a moving train down a track.  Not that all the pieces of life are falling in place, but Jesus is doing a lot of reviving and renewal in my soul and in the tangible, physical life around me.  I am so grateful.  I recently asked Jesus a why question to which I didn't expect much of a response.  I did hear somewhat clearly, "So that you may know the fullness of my grace."  Now if I were to tell you my question, that wouldn't make much sense to you as an answer, and I was very confused.  But as time goes on, it's starting to make a little more sense.  Though events in my life are still unfolding and are by no means completed, I'm beginning to see how this may really actually be His answer to my question.  I am now just wondering exactly how much that answer will cover the circumstance in my life.  

But for now, there is peace in my heart despite the unknown future that lies ahead.  I am content with the knowledge and feeling of the restoration work that God is doing in my heart.  And whatever happens, Jesus gets all the credit. Like for real.

Reflecting on Rachelle.

Let's just start by saying, there's no way that this is going to be eloquent.  I've had so many thoughts and emotions since Friday night that I am truly emotionally exhausted.  From outright denial and disbelief to a peaceful calm to devastating sorrow, I've felt it all.  All in the midst of having no friends locally (at least during the weekend) who knew this wonderful woman.  It has been interesting to say the least.

My first thoughts go to who Rachelle was and is to me.  She is fiercely loyal, generous, compassionate, genuine and downright amazing.  She is perhaps one of the few women in my life who can listen to me vent and make me feel heard and understood while simultaneously helping me to see humor and joy in the midst of whatever problem I think there is.  I only hope she knew just how much her friendship meant to me.  I hope that I was able to affirm her and love her and be Jesus to her just as much as she did all those things for me.

I also think back to when I saw her early July.  It was after summer con but before Honduras.  I am so incredibly thankful to hear how summer con and prayer seminar blessed her despite an incredibly difficult year.  Though she may not see herself as a hopeful person, I have never known such a courageous and persevering woman as Rachelle despite the shit in her life (she would approve of my word choice).

So in the memory of her character and her testimony, I realize how important and how much I really do want people to know Jesus, because honestly, you really never know.  There is a renewed sense of urgency.  That everyday we live really is quite a gift and a blessing.  So you can bet that I will be bold for Jesus in your memory, Rachelle.  Thank the Lord that people had the boldness to pray for you and to pursue you.  Thank God that there were people in your life to bring the Kingdom of God near to you.  I can only hope that I can continue to bring the Kingdom of God to others.  That's the least I can do in memory of you.

You are my beloved friend.  Your friendship is truly irreplaceable.  I love you so much, Rachelle. I will never forget you. I hope Jesus will throw you the most amazing 21st birthday party.  If anyone deserves to be in heaven and experience the tangible presence and love of God, it's you.  There were things I wanted to tell you after Honduras, but I won't get a chance to do that.  But maybe it's okay because I can already hear your silly and snide remarks to the details of my life.  God, I love you woman.  Party hard.  And I'm sure you're saving up all your strength for a frontal hug of epic proportions.  The thought makes me shutter a bit.

Cuteness Overload

So we've been doing music curriculum and I have been bringing in different musical instruments each day.  One of my kids LOVES anything music related.  He knows that sitars are from India, bagpipes are from Scotland, and that didgeridoos are from Australia (didn't know that until he told me).  He's super into music and so today when he got to school, he comes up to me and says:

"Manda, can you bring us a hurdy gurdy?"

Uh, say what? haha. I was really confused.  I thought maybe he was trying to say accordian (since he has proclaimed that his favorite instrument), but he kept repeating hurdy gurdy.  Finally, I looked it up and the hurdy gurdy exists!  Who knew that it's a stringed instrument that sounds a lot like bagpipes. Go figure.  It's just totally cute that he asked me to bring one.  Apparently all he can talk about at home is how I'm bringing instruments to school.  So precious.

I don't know if I can find a hurdy gurdy, but I will try to stretch out this music curriculum as long as I can! =)

Music and kiddos.  The two passions of my life.  Yay.

Insomnia. Or Jesus. Or both.

I think that I should start doing my thinking/praying BEFORE I'm in bed trying to sleep.  I would like to have some good old fashion restful sleep after not having any for the past week and a half.

Babies

As stressful and crazy my job can be, teaching two year olds is actually really wonderful.  When they're not being whiny or bratty about this or that, they are telling hilarious stories. While I was changing R's poop on the table he says, "I fell off the changing table!" to which I reply, "How did that happen?"  He smiles and says, "I wasn't listening."  They make you feel so wonderful when you walk in the room and some of them get a HUGE smile across their face.  They yell, "Manda! You're here! Can you come outside to play?"  I walk along the yard fence from my car and I have five little friends trying to say hello through the fence.  They ask to sit in my lap whenever I am sitting on the ground and stationary.  They are so happy when I play the ukulele.  I know that I am their teacher, and that I teach them about fire fighters, flowers, shapes, how to interact well with peers, how to wash their hands, and how to use kind and gentle words but they bring so much joy to my life.  Even when E refuses to eat her food unless I feed her like a little bird.  Not that I can always do that, but every so often it's nice to do little things for the babies since I am most likely not having any of my own any time soon.

I love that I get to be a mommy 8 hours a day.  I miss my kids when I go home.  I dream about them or dream about having conversations with their parents about how their day went.  Even when I am not at work, it invades my life anyway.  That is sort of okay with me.

AND. FINALLY. My baby gets to be in my classroom starting on Monday.  60% of the reason why I accepted the 2's teacher position was because I knew he would some day turn two and be in my class. Every Monday through Friday for 8 hours.  I have waited 6 months for this moment.  I so happy!! Excitement is building! Ohmygoodness, can't. handle. it.

Oh crap, I'm walking on the water.

Have you ever been afraid to pray boldly and specifically for something your heart is deeply invested in?  I'm always so tempted to add, "Oh, y'know if it's in your will," because it feels like I'm to some degree twisting God's arm a little less.  I also have believed that praying specifically for that which my heart really longs for is somehow making an idol out of it (something, of course which I do not want to do).

God was inviting me to pray and ask boldly tonight.  I started praying kind of vaguely and I believe he interrupted me to tell me to be bolder. Sorry, my bad.

It has been a long time since I have ever thought about engaging my heart in this way.  There have been times where it may have seemed like my heart was invested, but I know that tonight as I prayed, my heart hurt--swelling with hope and expectation and paralyzing fear.

Jesus has invited me out of the boat tonight.  I was kind of asking for it, and it just so happens that tonight, I listened to him tell me walk out to him.  And now I'm on the water.  And now I will sink if I even in the least bit take my eyes off of him.  He is my hope and my anchor even when this terrifies the breath right out of me.

And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28


Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4


Those verses always seemed quite selfish to me, but I want to start believing that the God who loves me, who created me and fashioned me not because of obligation but out of love, would actually want to give me good things.  He knows my heart and my passions.  Well J, I guess this is me saying: you have my attention. You give me freedom and choice to do whatever the heck I want. Well, I choose you.  I choose for my heart and my passions to align with yours.

So bring it on, J. Bring it on.

A post college reflection

After taking long breaks from my blog world, it's always awkward to jump back on the horse.  Post college life has been an interesting new experience.  I realize that much of my previous blogs have been of expressing frustration with the uncertainty of direction and whatnot.  A lot of the time that I have not blogged was spent with the same frustrations.  Why blog when I would sound like a broken record? Nobody needs to hear that nor do I want to continue to vent the same frustrations.  But, thanks be to God, life has taken a surprising and sweet turn.  No, my life is not drastically different and somehow magically wonderful & exciting, it's just...evolving.  I would daresay that I have begun to have hope and expectation for good things to come post college.

I'm coming up on a year of living at home.  This time last year I was in Guatemala, so technically I've been living at home since September.  The year has been full of new things.  I started working with babies in September.  I joined a small group at my parent's predominantly white suburban mega church.  I committed to things and dove head first.  I knew that I didn't want to waste time floundering about.  I settled into a pretty and stable routine fairly quickly.

Recap: Living at home in affluent suburbia, check. Going to a church with wonderful teaching in suburbia, check. Working with kids for Pixar, check.

Wait, what? How does this at all reflect what God has convicted me of in college you might ask? I asked those same questions.

This year of turning a new leaf didn't intentionally come with an attitude of "I want to get away from social justice & loving the poor." I knew I was going to be living at home, and it felt hypocritical of me to go to a church that loves and serves a low income neighborhood if I go home on Sunday to my home in very affluent suburbia.  As the year went on, I became more and more discontent with how my lifestyle did not at all reflect the values that God has placed in my heart.

How amazing that something as "simple" as changing church communities can make a world of difference.  To go to a church that values caring for the community around them and has a value for social justice & racial reconciliation is such a breath of fresh air.

How amazing that there can be so much peace in the decision to pursue something that terrifies me.  The decision to invest more of my life in the kingdom and in taking a more active role in seeing Jesus transform lives has been grown and fostered out of the longing and confusion of this year that I have spent at home.  I can with some degree of certainty know that my decisions are made not out of what Intervarsity students "should" do after college.  I have wrestled with Jesus.  I've tried to make things work.  The result so far is that I know there are some things that I need to pursue in life. God has made me with very specific gifts and passions. I need to live in a community of people who love God and want to love and serve the poor. I need to be in a community where racial reconciliation is valued.  I want to be a part of helping others to pursue healing their ethnic identity in some degree. I want to see the Kingdom of God come near to people.

I know that there is still so much to be learned, so much life to live, decisions to make.  Plans can change or be altered between now and the next time I blog (who knows when that will be).  But those things are sure. Who knows what Jesus has in store for me?  I will wait in hope and expectation to see the ways that God unfolds the plans he has for my life.

So, if this is what life could be like post college, I don't think I mind it so much.  I think I'm finally ready to lean into it and be excited for the new things in life.  PTL, it's about time.

Two steps forward, five steps backward, three steps forward. Pause.

LEAP YEAR! LEAP YEAR!

Everyone is allowed to have bad days every once in awhile right? I suppose that happens when work is stressful and you realize that you need to completely change the direction your life is currently going in.

I am so frustrated, I want to die.

(not really, but I have no satisfying way to get rid of my frustration.)

time to hyperventilate and shake while I emotionally implode.

& the sad part is--I don't even wanna talk about it.

it's just satisfying and helpful enough to know that somebody knows that I'm really really angry and upset.

now you know.

kbye.

Day 2

FYI, I won't be posting everyday...BUT, I did upload my prayer seminar song, so if you would like to hear that, you may have a listen.

http://www.purevolume.com/itsamanduuuuh

Ash Wednesday

http://www.purevolume.com/itsamanduuuuh

Welcome to my Lent project, where I fast self-consciousness and protectiveness of my voice. Eventually when I have more time, I will add more, but this is what I got for now.

The "Set Fire to the Rain" cover was done tonight. It's rough cause I never really have the time or patience to make things really good. But I enjoy singing, so I hope you enjoy listening!

Satisfaction.

26 hours of dancing. 31 hours straight of being awake. Laughter. Hilarity. Delirium. Sore feet & knees & shoulders. $450,000 raised for children infected and affected by pediatric AIDS. The loosey goosey dance. Awesome moralers. Almond milk tea from Volcano Tea House at midnight. Surprise people at 6am. Praying every 3 hours.

Visiting my hilarious apartment mates. Having such gracious hosts. Seeing the old people Sunday night. Ran into a friend who is seeking J in Powell. Visiting the sculpture garden. Walking around the beautiful UCLA campus with E. Running into A in Sunset. Mr Noodle.

Those people & that place brings me so much joy it's ridiculous. So satisfied. Thanks J.

Ah, Happiness (and music!)

I'm listening to the janky senior catalyst recordings. It reminds me that we were at Shepherd of the Hills until like 2am during finals week or something like that. And we were all pretty delirious. I've only listened to Say So! so far, but I can't help but smile. The bass is ridiculous loud. And the piano and the electric guitar is going nuts. Makes me think of the people who are playing those instruments, and I miss them greatly. And we're rushing so much cause we're all so hyped up doing our own thing...all together haha. I'm pretty sure it was during this song that a particular someone mooned us (accidentally?). I hear laughter and old conversations. Ah, great times. These recordings are like little presents of joy in the form of music.

And a thought from yesterday...

Music exposes my emotions. Part of the reason why it’s so hard for me to write or record on my own is because I feel truly exposed. Whatever song I choose to record, whatever chord progression and at whatever intensity, will inevitably expose how I’m feeling that day--how I’m responding to whatever life has given me that particular hour, day, week, or even longer than that. It scares me that my emotion expressed in such a vulnerable way can be recorded, frozen in time for all to hear for the rest of time. That’s um, terrifying. To say the least.

Part of the reason it’s terrifying is because I’ve grown to believe that I’m too emotional for normal people to handle. I’ve learned to tone down my excitement, my exaggeration, my overwhelming response to anything that evokes emotion in me. And while it’s important to learn how to interact well with people, I’m also re-learning how important it is to be true to myself. When I restrict who I am and the way I love to be expressive, I become self-conscious of my emotions and consequently the gift that God has given me to express myself in music is stifled. When I am self-conscious of my emotions, I hold back on the ways I can share my emotions through music with others, and perhaps give them outlets of expressing their emotions too.

I'm still figuring that out. I'm realizing how much I dream & how many things I want to do. I feel like I don't have the time or energy to do it all, but I'm trying to continue to grow in those things.

PS, I get to babysit my baby tomorrow! I am so so so excited. You have no idea. Nooooooo idea.

Expectations

I've been reminded lately to remember to expect good things from God. Or even just to expect. Have expectations of God and his presence in my daily life.

I will delight myself in the presence of my Lord.

Seek first the kingdom of God.

It's good to remember.

It's amazing how much you forget once you're in a different environment. As I've been reminded of how rich of a relationship I had with Jesus in college this past week, I'm forced to come to terms with the fact that it has been pretty non-existent for...probably a couple of months. Lies have been creeping up on me--telling me to hide who I really am, that I'm going to fail at everything I try, that I'm never going to make good friends. My confidence in who I am as a beloved daughter has been pretty shattered, to say the least.

This could seem like a new year reflection type thing, but I'd rather steer away from that. I need to reflect a lot more frequently than that. I'm a really forgetful person. I've forgotten that the devil is really cunning and fashions lies to look like truth. He tricks us into trading vulnerability and transparency with deception and mistrust. I have forgotten how to fight for my relationship with Jesus. I have forgotten that He fights for me on a daily basis, and has fought to destroy the devil's hold on our lives from the beginning. I have forgotten how to hope. I have forgotten to see myself as a confident daughter of the King.

I don't want to hide anymore. I want to declare that God is King over all in my life and in your life and He can bind the devil's work in our hearts and minds.

CAN I GET AN AMEN.

(I love Jesus more than milk!)