A little sixteen month old has stolen my heart. He's so silly and his intense love for his stuffed animal puppy is quite adorable. He makes my day at work 100 times better. Yay.

RAWR.

I need a creative, productive, and helpful outlet to get all this crazy pent up frustration and anger I have. This blog is not it.

PS, my love language is quality time. The end.

PPS, out with the old, in with the new...c'monnnnn Jesus!

Can I be honest with you?

I love being single, but let's be honest...I would like to be in a dating relationship at some point in my life.

I had a somewhat physically emotional response to worship tonight (maybe it had to do with hearing Eubanks again, idk), but my heart was wrestling with the idea of it being at peace. Peace is something that I feel alludes my heart most of the time. You know how there are some people who continually "ask Jesus into their hearts" just because they're not sure if it happened for real the first time? I think I'm the same way when it comes to believing that my heart, mind, and soul are at peace. Especially as it relates to the concept of romantic relationships.

I shy away from this topic quite a bit since my life has been consumed by it for the past probably 12 years. Only now in the past year, maybe even a couple of months do I feel like it's taken an appropriate place in my thought life.

But now that I feel comfortable sharing this in a public setting like this, I just thought I would be honest with myself and with others. I would really like to be in a relationship at some point. I'm past the point of "thinking things" because I'm good friends with a guy. Frankly, I'm past letting a friendship get to a point where it's confusing, because that's not healthy and not the way I want it to happen anyway. I'm satisfied in knowing that when it's right, it will happen, and that I will be pursued.

I also acknowledge the fact that at if I were to be in a relationship before these last couple of months, it had the great potential of dissuading me from continuing to press into Jesus and where he was leading me. I don't want to get comfortable in a relationship knowing that I have the security of that one person who will care for me deeply and will support me...I know now that I would never want a relationship to deter me from listening to God's voice and leading. I also know that I would rather be single forever than settle. Because I'd rather be single and free to love people and serve them wherever than be stuck in a miserable marriage.

I would really like kids at some point, and I think I would make a pretty damn good mother, but if I never have the opportunity to have any of my own, I know that God will create spaces for me to pour into other children who are not my own and raise them up in the Lord.

I am who I am. I don't need a man to tell me that I'm worthy of love because my creator, savior, and redeemer tells me that every day. If by some miracle, God brings someone into my life in a romantic capacity, then I will first of all, be super surprised, quite astonished, and possibly a bit in disbelief. But until then....

Seek first the kingdom of God.

Regret.

I regret decisions I have made tonight. Time to hang out with Jesus.

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he inclined to me and heard my cry.

He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,

and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.

He put a new song in my mouth,

a song of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear,

and put their trust in the Lord.

Blessed is the man who make the Lord his trust,

who does not turn to the proud,

to those who go astray after a lie!

Psalm 40:1-5

I miss deep fellowship that is rooted in knowing each other well and caring for each other genuinely. I miss the feeling of being known. It's unfortunate that most people that I'm meeting these days only know about my life post college, which isn't long or terribly exciting and much too confusing for me to even articulate it in a way that would make sense to someone who I haven't known very long. So much of what God is doing in my life is affected by what he has done in years past and how He's shaping me and changing me and challenging me. How do you convey that to people? I'm realizing that post college is a hard time for external processors who don't really open up to people unless they know those people genuinely care.

Transitions, hard.

Building true community, harder.

Three steps forward, two steps back. Stop. Weigh the options. Get frustrated. Give frustration to God. Repeat the process.

Patience. patience. patience. patience.

The days when I have sadness that I just can't shake are the worst. My suspicion that God is doing something good in my heart is making it bearable. I could really use a hug right now.

Post College Update

This is my life post college. If you haven't talked to me recently, fear not! This is what I'm up to.

The Objective Overview:

I'm living at home.

I work at the Pixar Child Care Center full time and I mostly work with infants (4 months - approx 14 months). Basically my dream job.

I go to church with my parents which is not the church I grew up at. The congregation is about 5-6,000 strong and I've been going consistently to a small group for young adults since mid-September.

The Subjective Overview:

Home is actually really good. Much better than I ever expected it to be honestly. I love hanging out with Jenna, chatting with my mom during dinner, doing laundry for free, sleeping in my bed, watching movies, cooking, & free coffee. The routine of being home is really comforting.

Work is a mixed bag. LOVE the babies. I'm a floater teacher which means I'm not permanently in one classroom with one set of kids. I actually help teachers take their breaks and give them prep time. I go into their classrooms so that the kids are safe and there's a good ratio of teachers to kids. PROS: Helps the day go by really fast. I like to be helpful. I get to know a lot of kids, parents, and teachers. CONS: It can be disorienting going from working with infants for the majority of the week and then spend a couple of hours with the pre-k class. I have to keep not only one classroom's stuff straight in my head--I get to keep track of 7 classrooms. I don't build deep relationships with the kids or the teachers for that matter. And the worst one of all...I don't get to spend much time with M these days. God, how I miss him. I love that child.

Work is challenging cause of the co-worker dynamic. I work with a bunch of women. There are lot of opinions and gossip running rampant in this place. It can be a really toxic environment. And since God is challenging me to love my co-workers and try to view them the way he does, it's making work a little stressful to say the least. Since the first week I was really convicted to love them, it's been less of a headache but it's still difficult on the days I need to be very very intentional about having decent thoughts about certain people. Pray for me if you can! I would super appreciate that.

Church. Also a mixed bag. It's a place that I feel God calling me to be for the time being. I decided that I would suck it up and start going to a small group and get myself involved. Literally every Thursday I try to talk myself out of it, but every time I've gone. The theme of post college has been choosing to participate in what God is doing. In this case, that means going to small group every week and not making lame excuses why I don't have to go. I want to give God the opportunity to exceed my expectations through his people and through this small group. I have yet to be disappointed by my life group. Good people. I'm surprised and appreciative of their transparency and willingness to share and participate. I'm grateful for people who struggle with similar things that I do and their willingness to initiate prayer together. Grateful for people who care about justice and who offered to lend me his book after meeting me once or twice.

_______

Now what? I want to serve. I don't want work, being home, and going to church to be all that there is to my life on a regular basis. I know that I need to be intentional with my coworkers, but my heart longs to serve people somewhere in some capacity. I have no idea what that is at the moment. I want to serve with integrity which to me translates to serving with a genuine passion and desire to further make the Kingdom of God a reality in the present. I don't want to serve just to serve or serve with intentions to somehow benefit myself rather than those I'm serving. (For example: the majority of my small group does the jr. high group. I've been told by one person that if I wanted to get to know people in my small group better, I could serve in jr. high with them. Eh.) I miss singing.

Yep. And that brings you up to speed with my life. It's nothing glamorous and pretty mundane. Just routine and choosing to seek Jesus and see Jesus in my routine with joy.

En todo lugar, en todo tiempo tengo un motivo al cantar. Es mi deseo adorarte.

Tired

I hate when I feel a emotional/mental breakdown coming and I don't know how to prevent it. I know being with Jesus will help, but I don't know what is causing this really awful feeling.

I know certain situations, people, and relationships can be stressful. I'm trying to trust God and not let those things be stressful. Bleh.

I got home tonight and thought my house smelled like my babies. I think it's the tofu.

Music is powerful.

Music is powerful. It can evoke emotions that you weren't planning on feeling, solely by the way that a composer writes and intricately weaves instruments in and out of the overall tapestry of a piece.

This is beautiful. Even if you haven't seen the movie or liked the movie, I don't think you can say this isn't a beautiful piece of music. Holy moly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gM4ITX_4qy0

I'm weird, let's face it.

So on days I go to small group, I don't have time to eat dinner really. I just got home and go to the kitchen and what do I eat? Beets. I am Amanda and I admit that sometimes I crave beets. I recognize that I am a bit strange, but I wanted to be honest with people and share this really strange part of me. I'm standing in the kitchen eating beets and realizing how weird that is.

My Little Monkey

I just spent almost the entire day with my most favorite baby of all at Pixar. Which is saying a lot considering we don't take care of them based on how much we like them but what needs to get done and who is available (clearly) and normally I don't get to spend more than 10 minutes at a time with him. But OH, how today was wonderful. In the morning, he took 6 steps to me from the table (he's just been walking at the center these last two days), we got to make silly faces at each other, I got to rock him to sleep, and when he was super nervous in a different room--I was his secure base. Essentially, I had to carry him or keep me with me so that he wouldn't completely freak out and meltdown. And when he felt safe with me, he finally loosened up and played around. He has the cutest little smile and little laugh! He's normally so shy and timid that those are rare and very treasured.

Oh my goodness I love this little guy so much! So precious. Can't handle it.

Uhhh....Brain. Tired.

Work makes me tired. I barely have time to think, and usually I'm so tired that thinking tends to become spacing out. My soul is doing alright, but perhaps it's running off of adrenaline and just trying to get used to the new schedule. Hopefully I don't have a meltdown or anything.

Speaking of meltdowns, I love my babies. I don't know how anyone can stand going to work everyday and not love what they do. I'm so tired out by the babies, but I freakin' love them. So many hugs and drooly kisses. Rocking babies to sleep all snuggly cuddly. Hehe.

My plan: Sing to the babies. Have a parent discover my talent. End up on a soundtrack for a Pixar movie. BAM. DONE.

Okay, time to finish up stuff for work & then pass out at 11pm.

PS, is it strange that during my work meeting, I was thinking about how the first catalyst of the school year was going on at the same time?

Here's to change

"I need to learn to genuinely love and welcome change (from the inside, not just in my actions and decisions)." -J

Well said. Pretty much sums up life at the moment. I want to be at a place where my heart and my emotions and thoughts line up with my outward actions. I want to fully trust in God's goodness with my heart as much as I do with my head. I want to begin praying that I will have an attitude shift, but it almost seems like I need to pray against a spirit of unbelief that I could ever be joyful or content in the midst of change. I'm blogging so that there is some form of accountability. Having a pity party in my head is really draining. I want to be as excited for what God is doing in my life as I rightfully should be. God is really good to me. So good I don't feel like I deserve most of what he's done in the last three weeks.

So God, this is me saying I need you to help shift my attitude. And generally just be really really present. Not even doing anything for me or whatever, just be with me. Keep me company and keep me focused on you. Please and thank you.

Holy Moly.

You really have to listen to & watch Bernhoft from Norway. It has a great potential to make your day. I know it has made my day since I first heard it. I can't stop listening to it mmm drool. Soooo much talent it blows my mind.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GjEsAEsYCw4&feature=related

Yep.

It's official. I'm hitting a wall. I'm finally beginning to crack. I miss BCF. I miss people. I miss laughing because of pure ridiculousness. I miss being in a missional community with people I love and care for.

I realize that I'm in a new stage of life and it's inevitable. I realize that God has really great thing ahead of me and that college is not going to be the peak of life, but right now I'm feeling kind of whiny and frustrated and angry and sad. I can't really pretend that I'm not. I hope that this doesn't last long. It probably won't. It's just a little unbearable when it does happen.

A Reminder

I am your beloved. It is the very truth of my existence. With my lips, I declare your goodness. With my heart, I will learn to trust you. This is my prayer: I believe, help my unbelief.

Let your voice be heard above all else. Amen.

This week

Two job interviews with really great child care centers. Two meetings with Cornerstone pastors; one with the young adult pastor and one with the pastor leading the racial diversity/reconciliation committee. Going to small group for the first time.

I've reflected on Haggai this past week and thought about how it's time to start building up the temple at home. He keeps telling me to be strong and to keep working. I press on because to just sit in fear is really not really much of a life. I've been doing a lot of job searching, but this week is a big week in taking steps toward acclimating myself to Cornerstone Church. Oh Jesus. I hope it can actually be an affirming week and not a disappointment.

You know you're a J when...

You know you're a Myers-Briggs J when your brain is fried from the week, and all you really need to do is make a list so that you can sort your thoughts, the weekend plans, the things you need to do that you've already done, and the things that you have yet to do.

I think job hunting is taking a toll on my body. My body is stressed and I'm more aware of trying to calm my spirit and mind. I really hate this process of needing to make a good impression but still be myself. All the while I shouldn't talk myself down, but also not think too much of your abilities. I'm pretty sure my mind has been constantly thinking that I haven't had a decent night of sleep for the past week or two. My body's latest thing is getting really anxious right before I sleep because my body realizes that it doesn't know how to sleep when it comes time to sleep. I've been waking up early for work/interviews. I'm always worried that I will not hear my alarm or oversleep; you can definitely bet I don't sleep well those nights. Seeing as how I'm about to enter the work force and will most likely have to wake up between the hours of 6-7 on a regular basis, I really hope my body learns how to get tired before midnight.

Thoughts on Stewardship

During my time in college, I realized the need to be a good steward of the gifts that God has given me. An obvious one is my voice, and being a part of worship team my last two years was an absolute joy. It was clear that in that context I could use my voice to invite people to engage with Jesus. The focus was not on me but on God, and I was not alone. I was but one part of a whole worship team. I let my talent be available to the community.

So now what? I have a ton of paintings and I don't know what to do with them all. I'd love to keep painting because I like to do that, but I'm starting to think it would be really cool to give my joy of painting to a community. I got to paint something for the ambiance team last spring, and a friend told me that she stared at my painting all throughout Catalyst and that it spoke to her more than anything else that night. God has been trying to affirm my creativity and get it into my head that he can use it for His glory.

I've become comfortable with the idea of using my voice and sharing that, but letting God use a hobby like painting...that's uncharted territory. I really don't think I'm that great, or that I have any legitimate reason why I should paint for people and raise money for ______. (The current idea is that I would want to paint for people and donate the money they commission me with to BCF) What if someone commissions me to paint them something and they don't like it? Sad bears.

I'm still in my "this is just a random idea" phase. I think eventually it would be cool for it to become a reality. Yep. Risky stuff, but hey...if I remember correctly from senior seminar, playing it safe can be riskier than choosing into what feels risky. So I'm trying to take baby steps. Bring it on, Jesus.

The newest member of the club!

Title: Transition

Acrylic; 16 x 20 canvas

Say hello to my new painting :)

My mind is a turbulent place to be at the moment, and I can't handle it. lskdjf;alsdfjasofadsf. Why does PMS exist? Why, God...why?

Acoustic Heart & Soul

I realize this probably isn't news to anyone who considers himself or herself my friend, but wow, I love the acoustic guitar. I have been known to tell my better guitarist friends to record themselves just playing for hours so that I can listen to it all the time. And I always mean it. My heart finds rest when I listen to the beautiful composition of a melody line finger picked on an acoustic with the accompanying chords to go with it. It's like I expect a composition like that from a piano, but it just mystifies me that anyone could figure that out on a guitar. AND, it doesn't even necessarily have to be complicated. A simple finger picked guitar line accompanying a singer is really everything that anyone could ever need. I wish I could play the guitar better, haha.

I doubt that anyone I have asked to record themselves playing the guitar reads my blog, but holy moly. That would be one heck of a gift.

Nico Stai--Maybe Maybe (The song that inspired this epiphany. Find credit goes to Becca!) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z0z7vScs2ao

A look into the (very distant) future

I'm baking and cooking with my mom today. We're having family friends over for dinner and they have a 2 year old and a baby that is less than a year old. I'm so excited to hold a baby again :)

ANYWAYS, so I'm in the kitchen with my mom and we're delegating different cooking tasks to Rach and Jenna. At some point I asked Rachel to put together the noodle dish, and of course, she does it incorrectly. I guess it's my fault for not completely explaining it. Later, I asked Jenna to cut up the mushrooms, but she said "Ask Rachel." Both of them were trying to pass the task off to the other, and I had this image in my head of the future. Thanksgivings and Christmases will probably be at my house and I will probably be doing most of the cooking between our future families (unless one of their husbands loves to cook, I'm probably stuck with that job). I'll do the cooking, and they'll stay to wash the dishes. I'm totally cool with that! HEHEHE.

Yep. I like being in the kitchen. I'm excited to try new things and new recipes now that I'm not in a janky LA apartment! Paaaarrrttyyyyy!

Before I word-vomit about Guatemala...

Let me tell you exciting news! I pierced my nose today! I am super thrilled.

You may be asking yourself, "Why is she so excited about her nose piercing?" I am here to answer that very question.

I've wanted to pierce my nose for a really long time. I've thought about it for longer than 2 years, because back when I was dating, I mentioned it to B and he said that he thought it was an ugly piercing and basically told me not to do it. It made me sad cause I didn't think that it was too bad of an idea. Nevertheless, his opinion convinced me not to do it.

I thought about it every now and again these what, three years now. Every time I mentioned it to a close guy friend, the multiple guys would always seem to be very against me getting a nose piercing. Everyone else in the world was pretty supportive/indifferent. Those few guy friends + ex-boyfriend's opinions were enough to make me doubt myself. I thought a nose piercing would be very fitting for my personality. I thought it would look good with my skin complexion, and that it would add a fun little bit of sparkle to my face. But I shied away from piercing my nose because of those few very adamant opinions.

Getting my nose pierced is my tangible act telling the world that I'm learning how to liberate myself from being ruled by what people (males especially) think I should do with neutral decisions like this one. They are most certainly entitled to their opinions, but I have to respectfully disagree with them and do what I want. Since I respect their opinions, it's hard. I have to tell myself that they will be my friends regardless. I also have realized that if a guy were to not like me in the future because my nose is pierced, he doesn't deserve me. The end!

Off to LA for the next three days! Hooray!

Home

Hi. After spending 2.5 weeks in Minnesota and 3.5 weeks in Guatemala, I'm now back in California, blogging from my desk in my room in the Bay Area. It's a weird feeling to be back--I was definitely looking forward to being able to talk to friends and family again, but I have a lingering feeling of nostalgia and sadness for my time with my CTI and YFC family back in Guatemala. While I realized some things that God was pressing in my heart during my time in Guatemala, I am aware that there is still so much more that God wants to show me and teach me through my CTI experience. There's still a lot of tension and confusion with things I'm aware of and even things that I'm not aware of yet that still need to be sorted through in my heart/head.

Stay tuned :) Hopefully I'll have time to sit and think a bit more in the coming days.

Greetings from Guatemala!

HIIIIIII, I didnt actually think Id be able to update this while I was in Guatemala, but here I am! YAY.

Gonna keep this short since I shouldnt be on the computer too long.

Guatemala is beautiful. The YFC staff is amazing. The weather is beautiful. I experienced the craziest and hardest thunderstorm and torrential rainpour in my life here. Five seconds after I got out of bed this morning, my roommate saw a cockroach crawl out from my sheets (awesome). I sang on a national television program and the YFC director said that a couple million people were watching. (The channel and show also airs in the US apparently). We do about one to three concerts a day. Ive had a lot of conversations filled with a lot of awkward smiling, bad spanish, and bad english. Ive been asked for my autograph a lot which I dont like so much.

But thats only a really little picture of this so far. As for the more important stuff goes...

INTERESTING REALIZATIONS
1. I greatly enjoy interceding for the kids during the message portion of our concerts. Since I cant totally understand the Spanish message, Ive found myself praying instead. I felt like it was super important to be doing that, and Ive been praying consistently with one of my teammates Chris and sometimes other people join us. I realized a couple of days ago that I put music ministry and prayer ministry together as a result of being on woteam at UCLA. I miss that. I love that the woteam last year in particular was so genuine and sincere in wanting to pray and intercede for the fellowship. Im glad that has been able to influence me here.

(PAUSE, APPARENTLY WE ARE GOING TO A MOVIE? GOTTA GO!)

CTI Update #2!

*WARNING* This is a long post. If you want, you can only read the bolded/italicized stuff and prayer requests are at the end.

I leave for Guatemala tomorrow morning! It’s surreal to know that I’m leaving for Guatemala even though I know I’ve been in Minnesota training for this very reason. Since I was last able to update you guys, a lot of things have changed. One being team dynamics. After the first half week, our team began sharing our stories with each other and it quickly shattered my initial misconception that some of my teammates were immature and shallow because of a lack of difficult life experience. Though they were initially really loud and obnoxious, we quickly learned that their actions were out of brokenness and fear as opposed to immaturity. God really schooled me. I was trying SO hard not to be quick to judge, but it was hard. I’m thankful that God has allowed me to shift my frame of mind and thankful that my teammates have grown to be more comfortable to be themselves.

Something that CTI has been pressing me in is the concept of performance. While being on woteam, I was able to engage at a level that was conducive for my own personal worship. I could sway, clap, and dance to whatever level was appropriate and however much the spirit led me to do so. At CTI, since we are an American band coming into a foreign country and we’re expected to have a LOT of energy. They always keep saying that we need to give enough energy to feel a little bit ridiculous…and then give even more energy on top of that. This aspect of CTI Music Ministries has been the most difficult one to deal with because it doesn’t feel completely genuine to me. It is one thing to lead worship where the focus is on engaging with God but it’s a completely different thing to be concerned with how we visually look as a band and work on crafting that as much as crafting the musical aspect of being a band. I can’t say I like it yet, but I’m not opposed to trying it out. I don’t know what God might want to show me through this and how it rubs me the wrong way…

I’ll be in Guatemala City for 25 days, staying at the Youth For Christ center. The center operates as their offices, church, and the place where we will be staying. As far as I’m aware, I think most of our concerts will be within Guatemala City but they won’t be exclusive to the city. We won’t really know what we’ll be doing for sure until we meet with our YFC partners and see what their needs are. For all we know, we could only do 3 concerts in our 4 weeks there and be doing manual labor around the compound.

I’m so excited to go. It’s going to be beautiful. I hear that the weather is actually nicer than it is here in Willmar. Less heat and possibly less humidity! I know that I’m here for a reason, and that God wants to show me something about himself and myself through CTI, but I’m not exactly sure what that is yet. So far, it seems like I’m learning how to serve and love my teammates, team leaders (and eventually people in Guatemala) out of exhaustion. Normally when I’m tired, I shut down. I don’t want my ability to love and serve people be directly related to how tired I am. So we’ll see.

PRAYER REQUESTS!

1. Health—pray that we stay healthy as we travel and while we’re in Guatemala. Or pray that if we get sick, that we’ll be able to still serve, be mentally present, and be aware of God is doing in us and through us
2. Attitude—pray that our team maintains a good attitude, that we remember we’re going to serve God and serve our partners. Pray that we remember that our physical comfort doesn’t take precedence over serving.
3. PLEASE pray that I’m able to engage with God while I’m in Guatemala. Like I said earlier, I still just don’t know what I’m doing here. I think it’s hard for me to fully invest here because I’m still getting over the fact that I graduated from college and I won’t have my community to enter back into after this experience. I do think I’m here for a reason and that God knows why I’m here, but I have a feeling it won’t come about in a way that would make sense to me. I feel like I’m constantly flustered because I’m trying to figure out the rest of my life (and by that I mean the next year or two). I want to be aware of what God is doing. I would like CTI to not be a waste of time. (I know it won’t be, but I just really don’t want it to be…if that makes sense).

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for praying. I really need it a lot. I look forward to catching up in person with you all when I come back!

I'm in Minnesota!

Some things that I've learned the past two days in Minnesota:
- Dinner is called supper
- Soda is called pop
- Bag is pronounced "beg"

And...that's all I've learned so far. [Just kidding]

(Sidenote: I wrote a lot, but prayer requests are at the bottom!)

CTI has been a very interesting experience so far to say the least. It a few words, it's been tiring, really inpsiring, and frustrating. Tiring because after having woken up at 3:45am, traveling or in transit until 5pm, we had an orientation with a lot of talking, sitting in a room that was pretty warm. Needless to say we were kiiiinda sleepy. We've had 12 hour days so far. Lots of teaching. Lots of rehearsing. I've been drinking so much water that I've had to pee more often than we have breaks for haha.

It has been frustrating for a number of reasons. I knew I was going to be the oldest person on my team, but I was hoping that I would be able to get along and relate to my teammates in some capacity. With a very extroverted and loud group of late teens, I had very little energy to put into trying to be relational. Also, it's harder for me because I want to be a part of the team, and feel like I have peers, but given their age and maturity level, I'm not sure what it'll end up looking like. I'm not going into leader mode because I don't think that would be appropriate (although more comfortable). Thankfully it's getting better, as we've gotten more comfortable with each other...having been together for 48 hours instead of just 24. The team leaders and the staff are REALLY awesome. I've gotten to talk to more of them today, which was really wonderful.

And last but NOT least, CTI has been pretty inspiring. Though the team might be younger but OH LORD we are a talented group of people. The staff and team leaders have been pleasantly surprised at our progress thus far which leads me to believe that we may be doing alright. The stressing out I put myself through the two weeks leading up to CTI has paid off...having 75% of the memorization down has really helped my progress and confidence as we've been putting the songs together. Woot.

Host family!
Oh, I really love them. They are SO hospitable, and so welcoming it's ridiculous. Not only have they made us welcome in their home, they really have treated us like family. We've talked and we've felt comfortable around them. They've even had their grand kids sleepover last night (two girls, one 8 and one 4). Even now as I write this, we're all sitting in the family room, watching extreme chef, chatting it up, and playing with another grandson (he's 8 months old and adorable). So yay! Babies. I will forever be around them.

Prayer requests!
1. Energy. Between processing a lot of how I'm doing and rehearsing and trying to get to know people and feel comfortable with them, I'm constantly tired. I find myself spacing out and I'm quieter than usual. Pray that God will give me energy so that I can be present with people and for practice!

2. Patience. It's been hard with...extroverted teens. You know you're older when you get frequently frustrated with high schoolers/early college students. I want to stay open and really embrace opportunities to get to know them.

3. Health. So, I got sick at the end of the school year and even though I'm NOT sick, I've had a cough ever since. I was hacking away at summer con, and now that I'm singing and talking constantly, my throat is REALLY dry. I'm drinking a lot of water, but I seem to be coughing a lot. I don't know what to do to get rid of it. Perhaps this cough can only be driven out by prayer?
Hehe.

Props if you made it through this whole post! More updates to come (probably).

PS, random sidenote...I've only taken two pictures. One of the sunset tonight (THE SUNSETS HERE ARE BEAUTIFUL. THEY DON'T MAKE 'EM LIKE THIS IN CALIFORNIA) and the baby at my host home right now. hehehe.

Goodnight! Or good late-afternoon? I'm two hours ahead. Kbye!

T-minus 6 days

I think I'm basically packed, isn't that exciting? Now I can hang out with people and not stress out.

LOOK AT WHAT I DID TODAY!

I took a bunch of pictures from one spot at CBS during fall con. I hadn't printed pictures from the entire year until last week and I finally assembled them together. Now that I know it works, I kind of want to print them out bigger than just 4x6...Anyone want this one? haha

UHHH, COME AGAIN?

So. My last blog post. My prayer that I would actually believe that Jesus is good. WELL, let's just say he showed up in a RIDICULOUS, EXTRAVAGANT, IN YOUR FACE way this weekend.

I have been struggling to understand where he was leading me since I decided to come home because the desire to move home was an inkling stronger than that of staying in LA. So I went to church with my parents Saturday night (Cornerstone Church, their mostly white mega church of about 4-5,000). After service we were in the foyer talking to people, the lead pastor came up to us, struck up a conversation with us. My dad introduces me and somehow after a short conversation, he knows I sing and that I love ethnic reconciliation (among other things). He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to introduce me to people to get me involved in worship at the church. AND he proceeds to tell me that pursuing racial/ethnic diversity and reconciliation is actually a major 5 year plan for their church. Apparently Brenda Salter McNeil (author of The Heart of Racial Justice and A Credible Witness) is one of their speakers for their leadership conference in August. He was so thrilled to hear about how God has really shaped my heart to love reconciliation and asked me to talk to leadership as they begin to figure out what that might look like for the church. I WAS FLOORED. I also was pretty much shaking at how...God inspired this conversation was. God really set that conversation up. And I am THANKFUL BEYOND BELIEF. I knew that babies and singing would have a place in my post-college life, but I had no idea that all the major healing and redemptive work that Jesus has been doing in my life and in my ethnic identity had the potential to affect a little more than myself and some of my immediate relationships. Since Saturday, they've followed through and have asked to set up a time where we can talk about racial diversity in the church. CRAZY RIGHT? I'm slightly overwhelmed at the thought of this. God wouldn't bring something to me if I couldn't handle it right? I feel very excited, ill equipped in "knowledge," but I've definitely leaned into the frustrating yet beautiful thing that is racial reconciliation so there's experience. And many conversations with people about race and ethnicity. I have no idea what to expect next from God, but I cannot even begin to articulate how much I am aware that God is in control, that he has really good things in store for my life.

Realizations

As I was talking to a friend today, I realized that I'm actually not very happy about this transition. Not at all. I'm constantly fighting the temptation to just stop caring. Thinking about CTI is exhausting. Conversations about race and ethnicity are exhausting. Being a good big sister/cousin is exhausting. AND I drank coffee this morning. Why is it that seeking the kingdom and pursuing good things is so exhausting? I'm tired, Jesus. I'm tired of trying to stay positive through transition, cause honestly, it really sucks. I love my family, I really do. My parents have been so incredibly supportive--I've never felt more supported in my life, actually. I'm just...very reluctantly going into this transition.

I know you're good Jesus. Help me to actually believe it.

I thank God for my mom and my dad. For Becca and Peter and Kokeb and David and Rachelle and Liz and Winnie. For the ability to write a song out of my panic. For two hour long naps. For having a kitchen where I can make banana pancakes at 9pm. For reading for funzies. For taking a break from CTI prep.

Rest. Emotional exhaustion.

So...apparently I blog a lot when I'm at home.

Breathe.

I now know what a panic attack feels like. I'm a little better right now. Breathing somewhat at a natural pace. Still a bit in shock, but I'm better. I really miss the ability to just sit and exist with a friend that I trust. The peaceful presence of someone that just exudes peace. I miss hugs. I don't need people to make things better for me, because I know that only Jesus has that ability, but having a little bit of love from people I love always makes it a little bit easier. Everything will be okay. I just need Jesus to be enough.

Psalm 23.

Summer Cleaning & Dr. Seuss

I wasted the longest day of the year indoors! Every year I want to have some sort of sun extravaganza because the sun is up, but it's too late for that. (The sun is still up but there's no way I can find something fun to do or people to do it with.) Anyways.

I've been cleaning out my closet. Removing all the junk my parents put in there to make room for the stuff I'm moving back in. Every summer between school years I've lived out of bags, so I never actually unpacked at home. This feels strangely and fearfully permanent. At least I can breathe a breath of fresh air (albeit it was quite dusty for awhile) now that my closet is clean and vacuumed. Time for a fresh start.

Five minutes ago, my sister was dancing in her room in the dark to Jackson 5 all by herself and all of a sudden I hear her SCREAM like something was really wrong. I ran over there to see what was wrong only to find out that she just noticed the Backstreet Boys poster I hung in her room HAHAHA. I found it in my closet whilst cleaning and thought it needed to be in its rightful place on the wall (:

Listening to CTI music. I think I can learn it all! Party.

In the meantime, Oh the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, my birthday buddy! This is pretty relevant and profound.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Sometimes

Sometimes blogs are insufficient because I have a lot of things on my mind lately. I can't just blog them all together at the same time. I guess that's what a twitter is for, but I will never do that.

I will just leave you with two thoughts:

- I'm thankful that Jesus let me feel and that tears flowed at summer con. I got to be real with myself, with my class, and with BCF. I wrote a eulogy for my time in BCF and got to thank Jesus for what it was. More on this later.

- I saw a homeless man when I got off the freeway on my way to LAX. He had a sign that read: "Homeless. Hungry. Need dog food." He was out there, dirty blue shirt and jeans. His face was unshaven and he had a little pot belly action going on. In one hand he held his sign, and in the other was a leash with the dog that he was asking people to consider feeding. I've seen homeless people with signs at freeway exits before, but nothing has affected me or has brought me so close to tears before. This man has no home and no food, and yet it was important enough for him to ask for dog food. That dog is probably the one companion that will go with him wherever he is. I really wish I had cash on me, because I would have gladly have given him money. Whenever I see a homeless person asking for food, I remember that I have thought about keeping food in my car so that I can be ready to give. I really wish I had something to give to that man yesterday. All he has for now are my prayers for him and his dog, but I pray that God will intervene in his life and provide for him.

I've been asking God where He wants me to be next year....pretty much all year. I don't know where He wants me to be. I don't know where I want to be. Home? LA? I have options. Here I am stressing about how I don't really have a leaning toward either place. Well, that's a lie. I have a slight leaning to each place. I know that God has the potential to teach me a plethora of very different things in each place. Then I thought, "Am I limiting God by only giving him two options to place me? Does he want me somewhere else?"

What if he wants me to be in a completely different place that I'm not even aware of at this time in life? Now THAT is a terrifying thought. Only time will tell.

Dang.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Senior Catalyst was sooooo good. I feel really lame blogging about it because words probably can describe how amazing it was but I'm not that articulate. You'll just need to employ your imagination a little bit. Why was it good you ask?

Our theme of the night was "Our God in this Journey" and it was basically a worship night that was had four parts: a call to worship, Remember: God is Faithful, Dwell: God of Peace, God of Hope. In each of those parts there was a scripture reading, a performing arts piece (testimonies given live, through video & spoken word), and worship. At the end of each part, there was a worship set. The way we picked the set was that we had each senior pick one song that was significant for them in college and explain why it was significant.

Not only did it actually come together, it went well. God was so present and so glorified in our testimonies and in our worship that my heart was so incredibly full of joy and gladness. Kokeb and Scott's testimonies were so powerful. I've never seen BCF move and dance and be uninhibited in worship as I saw during the last set. I don't think I could've asked for a better way to end my time at catalyst. Thank you Jesus, thank you community. It was truly an amazing night! God is good!

Now I can say that I've splashed around in the Royce plaza fountain. And I can say that I've gone ice blocking down Janss Hill. If only we tunneled, I could've checked off yet another thing off my list of stuff that you should do before you graduate from UCLA.

ANDDDD...Now I have a sore throat. BUT IT'S WORTH IT! I'm a happy camper ^_^

OH, and I'm going to Guatemala! I found out this morning! PTL that singing gets to be a huge part of my summer!

Hey,

I miss you.

That's all.

-Amanda

I'm not going to complain or whine about my life, because God is really good! But gosh darn it, as good as God is, it doesn't make the sting of leaving go away. My days are filled with so much joy--good friends and so many reminders of God's goodness and faithfulness, yet there's always an undertone of sadness. I've been feeling it a lot lately. If you asked me how I'm doing the last two days, I would have said good, because I am. But sad. Always a little sad. I think I've had this lurking sadness since the middle of winter quarter. I should be living it up and enjoying myself and the time I have left! And I am, believe me...I am. I just am still mourning in anticipation of moving on.

I keep having dreams about being asked to travel to a foreign country completely and totally unprepared. Like, packing up whatever I can find in my room at the moment and just go. These dreams have left me feeling unsettled. These nights aren't restful. I realize that I'm going to another country soon, but there's so much less anxiety about that than there is about graduating and essentially being asked to leave UCLA and my Intervarsity community earlier than I am ready for. Sigh. It's May and I'm still not ready to go yet.

Extravagant Love

I'm really thankful to have a sister who is passionate about racial reconciliation. I'm grateful for her joy and our shared excitement for what heaven will be like and for a world with reconciled relationships. I'm so lucky to have a relationship with my sister where I can share honestly and vulnerably about the ways God is healing my ethnic identity.

I'm really blessed to have a dad who is learning about racial reconciliation & is leading a men's group on that very topic. He always gets really excited to tell me when someone else wants to join the group, and that he's trying to get a really diverse group so that they can discuss it together. I felt so affirmed in who I am when my dad called today and told me he was writing a sociology paper for his Bible class. My parents are actually incredibly ethnically aware. I'm encouraged to watch them grow and deepen their faith.

I never thought I'd talk so much about race and ethnicity with my family. I have been asking God to show me how he extravagantly loves me and is fighting for my healing...if this isn't a picture of God's extravagant love and care for me, I don't know what is.

Thanks Jesus. Thank you for being so good.

Details

I feel like a deer caught in headlights when I'm overwhelmed with little details for a lot of different things. I need to make lists. Lists of when to take care of each thing. And cross it off after I finish it so that I won't have to run the details in my head over and over again, making sure that I did them. I think that I've taken care of everything that I need to this morning. But I still feel slightly worried that I haven't. I mean, there's always more to be done, right?

Why is it that even though I know that I can hope in God's promises to restore and redeem me, I still despair? Why is it so easy for me to feel completely hopeless and afraid and insignificant when I know those are all lies? I really need you Jesus.

Two years late...

I need to let myself be loved by God. I want to see how He is loving me, how I am his beloved, and the things He is doing in my life to show me how immense His love is for me.

I think after two years, I'm finally ready to wait. I actually want to wait and learn and grow. God has certainly showed me a lot these past two years despite how he has been dragging me against my will. I'm ready to keep going in this wilderness knowing this is exactly where I should be right now, knowing that this is the best place for me to be.

My Learning Curve Needs to Improve

Sigh. I wish that the learning process was not so redundant or painful. I wish I could learn my lesson in easier ways. Oh, but I guess that's life. I'll pursue healing and growth and learning, even if it means I have no idea what to expect or how much this will hurt.

Let it go.

All of my life, in every season I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

___________

Let it go.

Keep your eyes on me.

Relax, I have it under control.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

You can trust me.

I have so much for you, just let it go.

Let go of what you expected.

Let me give you even more than you expected.

Have patience.

You can trust me.

I love you, remember?

Do you feel my love?

Keep your eyes on me & let it go.

Take deep breaths.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go...

You're gonna be alright.

Integrity

Integrity is an interesting concept. Dictionary.com defines it as an adherence to moral & ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty; the state of being whole; a sound, perfect condition. I always say that I want to live my life with integrity as much as I can, but I'm constantly challenged to actually strive and make it a reality. As a follower of God, you do what you can to love Him, embody his character, pour out while continually maintaining a relationship with God so that he can pour into you. Whenever I'm faced with issues, global or personal, I have to ask myself....What's my role in this? How am I a part of bringing your people justice? How can I do that with integrity?

I bring up integrity, because there are times that I wish my heart would break for global issues so much more than it does. I am aware that there is a call to be a bringer of justice and show God's tangible love to people. Doesn't that start with having a love for people? Like...a genuine love. A gut wrenching, emotionally overwhelming love. A righteous rage that is turned into compassionate action. I wish I had more of that. Cause I know I don't. My heart isn't as broken for the injustices of others as much as I think it should be.

After I broke up with my boyfriend of four-ish years, I haven't quite allowed myself to ever become as emotionally involved in anything as I was in that relationship. I haven't quite allowed myself to risk my heart like that again. I realize it was only one romantic relationship and in the larger perspective of things, it wasn't nearly as bad as many other evil things in the world. I just don't know how to trust God with my heart because I'm not sure what he will make it break for. I've experienced enough emotional meltdowns to know that they're not fun. They're awful. To fully trust God with my heart has a whole slew of implications that which I don't know of yet. All I know is that it's terrifying. I realized a lot of this when I spent time in inner-city Fresno--that I see injustice, but my heart is closed off from being involved. I would really like that to change. I realize that I might regret stating this desire, but I would. Integrity begs it of me. God demands it of me.

Call + Response is a documentary on human trafficking. The concept was formed by a musician who wanted to musically respond to the evil he was exposed to. A musical response was natural because that's what he knew how to do best. Cornel West said that justice is what love looks like in public. For a person who wants to live her life by loving God and loving people with integrity, I need to figure out how justice plays a part in my life and in my heart.

Wow. Well that was unexpected.

I'm incredibly emotionally instable right now, but I thank God for holding me together. It's been a rough night, but in the best way possible because God simultaneously made me aware of how deeply broken my ethnic identity is and also affirmed the fact that it is NOT okay that I have been hurt. I'm definitely still processing this, but if you read my blog and you would like to know what God is doing in my life, I would be very appreciative if you asked me. But a little disclaimer: you can only ask me if you 1. really want to; 2. really care; and 3. are willing to enter into a part of my healing. I'm not interested in sharing this with people who won't be able to share in the joy of what God is beginning in my life. I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle that. Not to scare you into not asking me, but...this is a big deal to me, just FYI.

But for now, I just want to say that I'm thankful that my apartment is quiet, that I'm able to sit and process everything that catalyst brought up. I'm thankful for Joey for always making me smile. I'm thankful for Lionel for noticing and even in our very brief interaction, communicated that he cares, that he noticed, and that he wants to know what God is doing in my life. I'm thankful for Becca for always being there. I'm thankful for my worship team for being people I trust, and who will just sit with me as I silently fall apart on the inside. I'm thankful for Scott for listening and being a good friend. I'm thankful for seeing on my facebook that Guz is going to visit UCLA; literally seeing her wall post nearly made my heart explode with happiness. Needless to say, I am excited. And last but certainly not least, I'm thankful that Mike sent us his song so that we could learn it and play with him. I'm thankful that I have it and that I can listen to it on repeat as I sit here and engage with Jesus.

But anyways. I had no idea that I needed this much healing, nor that it was even possible. I can only imagine what else God has in store...

I'm an external processor. Sue me.

I have a love and hate relationship with realizations. On one hand, I love them because my heart finds peace when things make sense. I love realizing my patterns and the route I need to take to reach the place I wish to get to. Yes, I know that life is not formulaic, but nevertheless--patterns exist. I've retraced my steps in my mind trying to figure out how I got from point A to point B in similar situations & a-ha! I have finally found the commonality between specific past experiences that which led me out of one place and into another. Each time, I know that there was nothing in my power that I could've done to make the journey a quicker one, an easier one. There was a sort of...supernatural "click" so to speak. Something within me just completely changed, all in an instant. Every fiber of my being was quickly being teleported to point B. Every part of me was finally all on the same page.

The less than wonderful side of my realization is that I can no longer escape the fact that this process is going to take time. It is going to require patience. Patience has never been one of my strong points, mind you. Also, I am realizing that getting from point A to point B may require me to take an even more active role in the process than I wanted. In fact, I had previously told God I would never do what I may or may not have to do. Unfortunately, I might have to. But if I want to get to point B without losing too much of my life, it might come down to it.

Okay Jesus. Open my eyes. Let's do this.

I've come a long way.

Today I got to hang out with Rachel and Jenna. We made Jenna skip school to go eat dim sum with us in Oakland haha. It was really good to go into Chinatown again. It's been a long time since I don't go to church there anymore. As I walk around those couple of blocks, I realize how many memories I have there. I mean, going to church in Oakland Chinatown for 18 years will do that to you. The most striking thing I realized today were the types of thoughts running through my head and how different they are now than they were four years ago.

Oakland is about a 25 minute drive away from my home in white suburbia. They're basically two completely different worlds. Church was in Oakland, school was in Danville. Life was very segmented. In fact, I never even had my friends over at my house, partially because Jenna was younger and would attack anyone who wasn't family, but I think a deeper issue I never admitted was that I was ashamed of how Chinese culture still dictated some of how my family conducted ourselves in our household. I would think about all the things I would have to explain to my friends, things that would be so intuitive to me, but would seem foreign, strange, maybe even repulsive. I barely related to my Chinese culture, so I did my best to not make things difficult for my friends or my family by trying to bridge the two and make it work. Life was segmented and I was comfortable with that.

Today I saw Chinatown through a different lens. Not only is it a place where I have a lot of memories, but it's a place where my culture thrives and I'm learning to appreciate its beauty. I wish I had time to browse the super smelly markets and do a little grocery shopping. I wish my friends were there so I could show them all the places I used to go in between service and sunday school. I'm learning to embrace my Chinese culture instead of being embarrassed or ashamed. My time in BCF has been even more healing and restorative than I realized before today. I keep saying that I want to grow in my ethnic identity and how I have no idea how to do that, but it seems though that I've gone miles on that journey without even realizing it.

I hope that someday soon, friends can come visit (again or for the first time). I'll take you to Chinatown and it'll be fun!

Make it go away.

I want to be that little five year old girl who crawls onto her daddy's lap and he holds her tight so that the world doesn't hurt her. I'm not as strong as people may think. My heart is just as vulnerable as anyone else's. It can be just as easily misguided and led astray. I just want to go to a place where I know I will be safe. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be affected by things the way I have been lately. I want Jesus to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that he will be my shield and my protector. I want him to lavishly give his love to me and pursue me and never leave my side, cause I am desperate for His presence. Jesus, I wish you could just take it away, it's scaring me and making me sad. Please.

Romans 8:28

"Romans 8:28"

I heard this while I was doing listening prayer yesterday. Sometimes I ask God how He is interceding for me and what truths I especially need to be reminded of.

For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hop. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:22-28

Read God's word and be encouraged.

Joy!

I got to sing Eric Whitacre last night!! I'm incredibly thankful to all of the people who came last night! I realize its finals week and stuff, but it really meant a lot to me to be able to share something I absolutely love with people I absolutely love. I'm very very blessed!

PS, I'm with my family! I haven't seen them since New Years! That's a really long time for me. My heart is very glad right now :)

A picture from last night. I love my friends. I thank God for them all the freakin' time.

Last week of school, NBD.

Today, I saw the sunrise, went back to sleep, and almost slept through my discussion, in which I had a lab due. haha.

I'm going to be up late writing a paper due tomorrow and I'll probably be up late tomorrow night finishing stats homework, but you know what? I'm savoring every moment of this because I won't have to do this ever again. Maybe someday, but that day won't be in the next year.

As week 10 has progressed, Jesus has been so good to me and reminding me of his extravagant love for me. He's been incredibly good to me in my time in college. He's blessed me with a greater understanding of Him, myself, and how I interact with people. I've gone through extreme lows and extreme highs and through it all, God is faithful.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who have reminded me of my belovedness this past week. You have brought me so much joy, and it will get me through these next couple of days of late nights. To God be the glory!

I'm a nerd, whatever.

Hot dang, Gandalf is such a wise man. hahaha. I'm blown away. For now, I leave you with a quote! No worries Frodo, sometimes I feel like this too.

Frodo: Why did it come to me? Why was I chosen?

Gandalf: Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.

Frodo: But I have so little of any of these things!

___

A side note: I'm obsessed with Chasing Pavements by Adele. Listen to it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DjMT-qR9g

Letting Go.

So, I haven't really been incredibly transparent with the issues that I deal with or think about, but I think I've reached a point where I'm so confused and frustrated that I need to somehow externally word vomit this somewhere. But honestly, sometimes I wonder how God ever expected men and women to not only work together and be friends, but actually understand each other, encouraged and affirm one another, and care for each other. It kind of seems like a sick joke the way that we are so different and wired differently. It's like we speak completely different languages sometimes: women can be portrayed as too needy, sensitive, manipulative and men can be portrayed as indifferent, passive, immature. God has given me the ability to be aware of how interactions with people & the desire to understand people as best I can to know how to best care for them, and I am grateful for that. With that also comes the ability to see how relationships are broken. I've initiated conversations that bring up these issues that could possibly lead to healing, but honestly...I'm tired. I've been let down and hurt by people so much to the point where I'm shutting down. I really want to just give up cause I really just can't do this right now. I feel like I continually step out of the boat to walk on the water towards Jesus but I keep sinking. I try and try and try to trust Him when he says I can trust people, but I don't know. I'm so tired. Exhausted really.

I'm not completely broken. I have hope in knowing that this is not what God has for his people. I know that we are meant to bless each other and in friendship, remind each other of our belovedness. I know that as men and women we are made in the image of God and that as we push through the difficulty of understanding each other, we can see perhaps a different characteristic of God that we are less familiar with. I just want to trust fall into his arms because I can't really support myself up anymore.

Oh the places you'll go!

Hong Kong.

Taiwan.

Singapore.

Honduras.

Guatemala.

These are the potential countries that I potentially have the opportunity to visit, love the people there, and sing for Jesus. How exciting!

On another note: I love pandora. This just came up on my Joshua Radin and Ingrid Michaelson station. Jesus is so good to me.

Beautiful Things--Gungor

All this pain

I wonder if I'll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos, life is being found in you

You make me new. You are making me new.

Growth

The only thing constant in the world is change

That's why today, I take life as it comes.

-India Arie

I don't know why things happen the way they do. I don't know why I feel what I feel or why I think what I think. But I will take life as it comes, and hopefully experience a tremendous amount of love from Jesus along the way.

Oh, hello ENFJ

I realize this is a little bit silly how unnerved I am about this, but I can't believe I'm an ENFJ. I've been an ESFJ from the first time I took the Myers-Briggs test, but now they say I'm an ENFJ. 44E 12N 38F 44J. I guess when I read the description of the ENFJ, it better describes how I have been this school year than the ESFJ description does...but still. It's strange. I just thought I should let you all know.

My world has sort of turned upside down. haha.

Saturday Morning

I'm having major Disneyland withdrawals right now, but the thought of possibly going soon makes me happy. The thought of seeing the "Remember...Dreams Come True" fireworks show for the first time in three years is also making me way too excited. Omg, those fireworks make me cry, I looooove them.

It's really cool when I wake up naturally at 7:15am. I kind of wish I was a morning person because mornings are so beautiful. I love fresh starts...the beginning of a week, a new quarter, a new year...but even the beginning of everyday is beautiful. I wish I saw & enjoyed them more often.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love to dance. God is good.

Today is going to be a wonderful day :)

God Knows.

So, I've finally admitted to myself the ways that people hurt me. I'm pretty good at making excuses for people, but I think I may have hit a wall. In frustration and desperation, I spent a good 45 minutes talking God's ear off about the ways that how I'm hurt by the way certain people treat our friendship & I asked Him what He had to say about it. He responds "I know how you feel." Now I'm just sad to be reminded of how we grieve God & how he deserves so much more than is humanly possible. Sure, I'm frustrated & I would like some of my friendships to change, but I'm just stuck thinking about how sad it is that we grieve God and we grieve each other.

One Track Mind, My Goodness

I'm leaving in four months. I was sitting in the back of catalyst with Kokeb during the leadership info meeting & it truly sunk in just how much I'm going to dearly miss so many of the people who were in that room. I guess you could say I've been in a funk/major nostalgic mood/wanting to soak in every moment I can with the amazing friends that I've grown so close to over the years. Come June, I will have nearly a million Alvin and the Fishsticks songs to listen to whenever I will get homesick. It's safe to say that I'm not ready for the next chapter of life. Hopefully I will be in four months, but in a way that is healthy. I really want to finish well.

Dear February, March, April, May and June,

Please go as slow as possible.

Love, Amanda

Happy New Year!

Why, hello blog. You still exist. Clearly writing in my blog was NOT a new year's resolution of mine. Actually, I don't even make those.

I really haven't had much to say here, but I will say that as I sit here and write this thing, I'm beginning to regret that I haven't taken more pictures this quarter. I shouldn't let winter quarter pass me by! It is, afterall, my last eleven weeks of my undergraduate education and all.

I do hope that this quarter doesn't fly by.

On another note, I get to sing only the most beautiful song ever with UCLA Chorale. Sleep by Eric Whitacre. I highly suggest listening to it. Listen to this version! It's the best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBE2iJHxF4g&feature=related

Yes. Because I get to sing in a choir again, and I get to sing Sleep no less, I can graduate with no regrets. I may even be able to die a happy person after March 12th (Schoenberg at 7pm and 9pm in case you were wondering and/or wanted to come! hehe). This is how much I love this song. Ohmygoodness, so much joy for my soul. Can't handle it.