Insomnia. Or Jesus. Or both.

I think that I should start doing my thinking/praying BEFORE I'm in bed trying to sleep.  I would like to have some good old fashion restful sleep after not having any for the past week and a half.

Babies

As stressful and crazy my job can be, teaching two year olds is actually really wonderful.  When they're not being whiny or bratty about this or that, they are telling hilarious stories. While I was changing R's poop on the table he says, "I fell off the changing table!" to which I reply, "How did that happen?"  He smiles and says, "I wasn't listening."  They make you feel so wonderful when you walk in the room and some of them get a HUGE smile across their face.  They yell, "Manda! You're here! Can you come outside to play?"  I walk along the yard fence from my car and I have five little friends trying to say hello through the fence.  They ask to sit in my lap whenever I am sitting on the ground and stationary.  They are so happy when I play the ukulele.  I know that I am their teacher, and that I teach them about fire fighters, flowers, shapes, how to interact well with peers, how to wash their hands, and how to use kind and gentle words but they bring so much joy to my life.  Even when E refuses to eat her food unless I feed her like a little bird.  Not that I can always do that, but every so often it's nice to do little things for the babies since I am most likely not having any of my own any time soon.

I love that I get to be a mommy 8 hours a day.  I miss my kids when I go home.  I dream about them or dream about having conversations with their parents about how their day went.  Even when I am not at work, it invades my life anyway.  That is sort of okay with me.

AND. FINALLY. My baby gets to be in my classroom starting on Monday.  60% of the reason why I accepted the 2's teacher position was because I knew he would some day turn two and be in my class. Every Monday through Friday for 8 hours.  I have waited 6 months for this moment.  I so happy!! Excitement is building! Ohmygoodness, can't. handle. it.

Oh crap, I'm walking on the water.

Have you ever been afraid to pray boldly and specifically for something your heart is deeply invested in?  I'm always so tempted to add, "Oh, y'know if it's in your will," because it feels like I'm to some degree twisting God's arm a little less.  I also have believed that praying specifically for that which my heart really longs for is somehow making an idol out of it (something, of course which I do not want to do).

God was inviting me to pray and ask boldly tonight.  I started praying kind of vaguely and I believe he interrupted me to tell me to be bolder. Sorry, my bad.

It has been a long time since I have ever thought about engaging my heart in this way.  There have been times where it may have seemed like my heart was invested, but I know that tonight as I prayed, my heart hurt--swelling with hope and expectation and paralyzing fear.

Jesus has invited me out of the boat tonight.  I was kind of asking for it, and it just so happens that tonight, I listened to him tell me walk out to him.  And now I'm on the water.  And now I will sink if I even in the least bit take my eyes off of him.  He is my hope and my anchor even when this terrifies the breath right out of me.

And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28


Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4


Those verses always seemed quite selfish to me, but I want to start believing that the God who loves me, who created me and fashioned me not because of obligation but out of love, would actually want to give me good things.  He knows my heart and my passions.  Well J, I guess this is me saying: you have my attention. You give me freedom and choice to do whatever the heck I want. Well, I choose you.  I choose for my heart and my passions to align with yours.

So bring it on, J. Bring it on.

A post college reflection

After taking long breaks from my blog world, it's always awkward to jump back on the horse.  Post college life has been an interesting new experience.  I realize that much of my previous blogs have been of expressing frustration with the uncertainty of direction and whatnot.  A lot of the time that I have not blogged was spent with the same frustrations.  Why blog when I would sound like a broken record? Nobody needs to hear that nor do I want to continue to vent the same frustrations.  But, thanks be to God, life has taken a surprising and sweet turn.  No, my life is not drastically different and somehow magically wonderful & exciting, it's just...evolving.  I would daresay that I have begun to have hope and expectation for good things to come post college.

I'm coming up on a year of living at home.  This time last year I was in Guatemala, so technically I've been living at home since September.  The year has been full of new things.  I started working with babies in September.  I joined a small group at my parent's predominantly white suburban mega church.  I committed to things and dove head first.  I knew that I didn't want to waste time floundering about.  I settled into a pretty and stable routine fairly quickly.

Recap: Living at home in affluent suburbia, check. Going to a church with wonderful teaching in suburbia, check. Working with kids for Pixar, check.

Wait, what? How does this at all reflect what God has convicted me of in college you might ask? I asked those same questions.

This year of turning a new leaf didn't intentionally come with an attitude of "I want to get away from social justice & loving the poor." I knew I was going to be living at home, and it felt hypocritical of me to go to a church that loves and serves a low income neighborhood if I go home on Sunday to my home in very affluent suburbia.  As the year went on, I became more and more discontent with how my lifestyle did not at all reflect the values that God has placed in my heart.

How amazing that something as "simple" as changing church communities can make a world of difference.  To go to a church that values caring for the community around them and has a value for social justice & racial reconciliation is such a breath of fresh air.

How amazing that there can be so much peace in the decision to pursue something that terrifies me.  The decision to invest more of my life in the kingdom and in taking a more active role in seeing Jesus transform lives has been grown and fostered out of the longing and confusion of this year that I have spent at home.  I can with some degree of certainty know that my decisions are made not out of what Intervarsity students "should" do after college.  I have wrestled with Jesus.  I've tried to make things work.  The result so far is that I know there are some things that I need to pursue in life. God has made me with very specific gifts and passions. I need to live in a community of people who love God and want to love and serve the poor. I need to be in a community where racial reconciliation is valued.  I want to be a part of helping others to pursue healing their ethnic identity in some degree. I want to see the Kingdom of God come near to people.

I know that there is still so much to be learned, so much life to live, decisions to make.  Plans can change or be altered between now and the next time I blog (who knows when that will be).  But those things are sure. Who knows what Jesus has in store for me?  I will wait in hope and expectation to see the ways that God unfolds the plans he has for my life.

So, if this is what life could be like post college, I don't think I mind it so much.  I think I'm finally ready to lean into it and be excited for the new things in life.  PTL, it's about time.

Two steps forward, five steps backward, three steps forward. Pause.