My Learning Curve Needs to Improve

Sigh. I wish that the learning process was not so redundant or painful. I wish I could learn my lesson in easier ways. Oh, but I guess that's life. I'll pursue healing and growth and learning, even if it means I have no idea what to expect or how much this will hurt.

Let it go.

All of my life, in every season I have a reason to sing. I have a reason to worship.

___________

Let it go.

Keep your eyes on me.

Relax, I have it under control.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

You can trust me.

I have so much for you, just let it go.

Let go of what you expected.

Let me give you even more than you expected.

Have patience.

You can trust me.

I love you, remember?

Do you feel my love?

Keep your eyes on me & let it go.

Take deep breaths.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go...

You're gonna be alright.

Integrity

Integrity is an interesting concept. Dictionary.com defines it as an adherence to moral & ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty; the state of being whole; a sound, perfect condition. I always say that I want to live my life with integrity as much as I can, but I'm constantly challenged to actually strive and make it a reality. As a follower of God, you do what you can to love Him, embody his character, pour out while continually maintaining a relationship with God so that he can pour into you. Whenever I'm faced with issues, global or personal, I have to ask myself....What's my role in this? How am I a part of bringing your people justice? How can I do that with integrity?

I bring up integrity, because there are times that I wish my heart would break for global issues so much more than it does. I am aware that there is a call to be a bringer of justice and show God's tangible love to people. Doesn't that start with having a love for people? Like...a genuine love. A gut wrenching, emotionally overwhelming love. A righteous rage that is turned into compassionate action. I wish I had more of that. Cause I know I don't. My heart isn't as broken for the injustices of others as much as I think it should be.

After I broke up with my boyfriend of four-ish years, I haven't quite allowed myself to ever become as emotionally involved in anything as I was in that relationship. I haven't quite allowed myself to risk my heart like that again. I realize it was only one romantic relationship and in the larger perspective of things, it wasn't nearly as bad as many other evil things in the world. I just don't know how to trust God with my heart because I'm not sure what he will make it break for. I've experienced enough emotional meltdowns to know that they're not fun. They're awful. To fully trust God with my heart has a whole slew of implications that which I don't know of yet. All I know is that it's terrifying. I realized a lot of this when I spent time in inner-city Fresno--that I see injustice, but my heart is closed off from being involved. I would really like that to change. I realize that I might regret stating this desire, but I would. Integrity begs it of me. God demands it of me.

Call + Response is a documentary on human trafficking. The concept was formed by a musician who wanted to musically respond to the evil he was exposed to. A musical response was natural because that's what he knew how to do best. Cornel West said that justice is what love looks like in public. For a person who wants to live her life by loving God and loving people with integrity, I need to figure out how justice plays a part in my life and in my heart.