They say, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" or something like that, but what if the sun when down before you got angry? Oh technicalities.
It's not exactly the easiest thing, going to sleep when you were reminded that you're still the stupid person who doesn't know anything about how real life works. Wake up, Amanda! Caring for people doesn't pay the bills. I want to care tangibly for people and want people to know they are deeply loved and valued. I wish there was a job for me that would enable me to pursue my passions and also convince my parents that I'd make enough money to live a life they think I deserve. I kind of have no idea what they expect that to be. I suppose just not below poverty. No, they probably wanted for me to settle well above poverty. And what parent wouldn't wish that for their child? It only makes sense. It's not completely ridiculous or awful that they would want that.
And yet, I'm still really upset. I mean, I'm awake and it's 5am. I feel like I can't do anything to appease my parents. I chose to be a sociology, I guess that was my first mistake if I was trying to win the Awesome Child Award. Well, what's done is done. I've operated under the idea of pursing a line of work that aligned with my passions, and as my future is approaching, it's becoming more of a reality that I'm probably going to barely make enough money to save any of what I make. And while this doesn't stress me out a whole lot, it stresses my parents out a lot. Honestly, what can I do? They'd probably like to change a whole lot more about my situation than is realistically feasible at this point. I just hope they don't actually get me to a point where I believe that I've wasted my life, that my ambitions aren't high enough. I want a job that will enable me care for people and make a difference in their lives. I don't want a job that will give me financial security. I never really worried about that. I guess that's my first mental road block to making the most of my education, resources, and connections. I wish I could somehow marry the two concepts together for the sake of everyone getting along & being on the same page, I just have no idea how to do that...
A part of me feels like giving up. Okay, you win! I'll pursue the job you want me to have. I'll do what you want! But you know what, it's kind of a blessing that it's too late for that. I'm already too far down this path that has steered me completely clear of what my parents would've ever chosen for me. I have no choice but to keep pursuing a job that I believe will work well with the strengths and the passions that God has given me. Even in the midst of arguments and tension, the thought that God is very clearly leading me and affirming who He's made me to be is a very exciting one. I know that whatever He leads me to and whatever door He opens will be exactly right and the best thing for me. I am me, I am who He has created me to be. He has very intentionally made me exactly the way that he chose to. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have decided to care about people as much as I do if I was left to my own devices. Sigh. I'm having a hard time remembering that I'm not a mistake. I'm trying really hard not to feel like a complete screw-up. I'm exhausted. Goodnight.
