T-minus 6 days

I think I'm basically packed, isn't that exciting? Now I can hang out with people and not stress out.

LOOK AT WHAT I DID TODAY!

I took a bunch of pictures from one spot at CBS during fall con. I hadn't printed pictures from the entire year until last week and I finally assembled them together. Now that I know it works, I kind of want to print them out bigger than just 4x6...Anyone want this one? haha

UHHH, COME AGAIN?

So. My last blog post. My prayer that I would actually believe that Jesus is good. WELL, let's just say he showed up in a RIDICULOUS, EXTRAVAGANT, IN YOUR FACE way this weekend.

I have been struggling to understand where he was leading me since I decided to come home because the desire to move home was an inkling stronger than that of staying in LA. So I went to church with my parents Saturday night (Cornerstone Church, their mostly white mega church of about 4-5,000). After service we were in the foyer talking to people, the lead pastor came up to us, struck up a conversation with us. My dad introduces me and somehow after a short conversation, he knows I sing and that I love ethnic reconciliation (among other things). He then proceeds to tell me that he wants to introduce me to people to get me involved in worship at the church. AND he proceeds to tell me that pursuing racial/ethnic diversity and reconciliation is actually a major 5 year plan for their church. Apparently Brenda Salter McNeil (author of The Heart of Racial Justice and A Credible Witness) is one of their speakers for their leadership conference in August. He was so thrilled to hear about how God has really shaped my heart to love reconciliation and asked me to talk to leadership as they begin to figure out what that might look like for the church. I WAS FLOORED. I also was pretty much shaking at how...God inspired this conversation was. God really set that conversation up. And I am THANKFUL BEYOND BELIEF. I knew that babies and singing would have a place in my post-college life, but I had no idea that all the major healing and redemptive work that Jesus has been doing in my life and in my ethnic identity had the potential to affect a little more than myself and some of my immediate relationships. Since Saturday, they've followed through and have asked to set up a time where we can talk about racial diversity in the church. CRAZY RIGHT? I'm slightly overwhelmed at the thought of this. God wouldn't bring something to me if I couldn't handle it right? I feel very excited, ill equipped in "knowledge," but I've definitely leaned into the frustrating yet beautiful thing that is racial reconciliation so there's experience. And many conversations with people about race and ethnicity. I have no idea what to expect next from God, but I cannot even begin to articulate how much I am aware that God is in control, that he has really good things in store for my life.

Realizations

As I was talking to a friend today, I realized that I'm actually not very happy about this transition. Not at all. I'm constantly fighting the temptation to just stop caring. Thinking about CTI is exhausting. Conversations about race and ethnicity are exhausting. Being a good big sister/cousin is exhausting. AND I drank coffee this morning. Why is it that seeking the kingdom and pursuing good things is so exhausting? I'm tired, Jesus. I'm tired of trying to stay positive through transition, cause honestly, it really sucks. I love my family, I really do. My parents have been so incredibly supportive--I've never felt more supported in my life, actually. I'm just...very reluctantly going into this transition.

I know you're good Jesus. Help me to actually believe it.

I thank God for my mom and my dad. For Becca and Peter and Kokeb and David and Rachelle and Liz and Winnie. For the ability to write a song out of my panic. For two hour long naps. For having a kitchen where I can make banana pancakes at 9pm. For reading for funzies. For taking a break from CTI prep.

Rest. Emotional exhaustion.

So...apparently I blog a lot when I'm at home.

Breathe.

I now know what a panic attack feels like. I'm a little better right now. Breathing somewhat at a natural pace. Still a bit in shock, but I'm better. I really miss the ability to just sit and exist with a friend that I trust. The peaceful presence of someone that just exudes peace. I miss hugs. I don't need people to make things better for me, because I know that only Jesus has that ability, but having a little bit of love from people I love always makes it a little bit easier. Everything will be okay. I just need Jesus to be enough.

Psalm 23.

Summer Cleaning & Dr. Seuss

I wasted the longest day of the year indoors! Every year I want to have some sort of sun extravaganza because the sun is up, but it's too late for that. (The sun is still up but there's no way I can find something fun to do or people to do it with.) Anyways.

I've been cleaning out my closet. Removing all the junk my parents put in there to make room for the stuff I'm moving back in. Every summer between school years I've lived out of bags, so I never actually unpacked at home. This feels strangely and fearfully permanent. At least I can breathe a breath of fresh air (albeit it was quite dusty for awhile) now that my closet is clean and vacuumed. Time for a fresh start.

Five minutes ago, my sister was dancing in her room in the dark to Jackson 5 all by herself and all of a sudden I hear her SCREAM like something was really wrong. I ran over there to see what was wrong only to find out that she just noticed the Backstreet Boys poster I hung in her room HAHAHA. I found it in my closet whilst cleaning and thought it needed to be in its rightful place on the wall (:

Listening to CTI music. I think I can learn it all! Party.

In the meantime, Oh the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss, my birthday buddy! This is pretty relevant and profound.

Congratulations!
Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places!
You’re off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who’ll decide where to go.

You’ll look up and down streets. Look’em over with care. About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.” With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you’re too smart to go down a not-so-good street.

And you may not find any you’ll want to go down. In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town. It’s opener there in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen, don’t worry. Don’t stew. Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.

Oh! The Places You’ll Go!

You’ll be on your way up!
You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.

You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed. You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you’ll be best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don’t.
Because, sometimes, you won’t.

I’m sorry to say so but, sadly, it’s true that Bang-ups and Hang-ups can happen to you.

You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You’ll be left in a Lurch.

You’ll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you’ll be in a Slump.

And when you’re in a Slump, you’re not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they’re darked. A place you could sprain both your elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And if you go in, should you turn left or right…or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it’s not, I’m afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused that you’ll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place…for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting.

No! That’s not for you!
Somehow you’ll escape all that waiting and staying. You’ll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you’ll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you’re that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you’ll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. There are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You’ll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don’t. Because, sometimes, they won’t.

I’m afraid that some times you’ll play lonely games too. Games you can’t win ‘cause you’ll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you’ll be quite a lot.

And when you’re alone, there’s a very good chance you’ll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won’t want to go on.

But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike. And I know you’ll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and ¾ percent guaranteed.)

Kid, you’ll move mountains!
So…be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ale Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!

Sometimes

Sometimes blogs are insufficient because I have a lot of things on my mind lately. I can't just blog them all together at the same time. I guess that's what a twitter is for, but I will never do that.

I will just leave you with two thoughts:

- I'm thankful that Jesus let me feel and that tears flowed at summer con. I got to be real with myself, with my class, and with BCF. I wrote a eulogy for my time in BCF and got to thank Jesus for what it was. More on this later.

- I saw a homeless man when I got off the freeway on my way to LAX. He had a sign that read: "Homeless. Hungry. Need dog food." He was out there, dirty blue shirt and jeans. His face was unshaven and he had a little pot belly action going on. In one hand he held his sign, and in the other was a leash with the dog that he was asking people to consider feeding. I've seen homeless people with signs at freeway exits before, but nothing has affected me or has brought me so close to tears before. This man has no home and no food, and yet it was important enough for him to ask for dog food. That dog is probably the one companion that will go with him wherever he is. I really wish I had cash on me, because I would have gladly have given him money. Whenever I see a homeless person asking for food, I remember that I have thought about keeping food in my car so that I can be ready to give. I really wish I had something to give to that man yesterday. All he has for now are my prayers for him and his dog, but I pray that God will intervene in his life and provide for him.

I've been asking God where He wants me to be next year....pretty much all year. I don't know where He wants me to be. I don't know where I want to be. Home? LA? I have options. Here I am stressing about how I don't really have a leaning toward either place. Well, that's a lie. I have a slight leaning to each place. I know that God has the potential to teach me a plethora of very different things in each place. Then I thought, "Am I limiting God by only giving him two options to place me? Does he want me somewhere else?"

What if he wants me to be in a completely different place that I'm not even aware of at this time in life? Now THAT is a terrifying thought. Only time will tell.

Dang.

Oh. My. Goodness.

Senior Catalyst was sooooo good. I feel really lame blogging about it because words probably can describe how amazing it was but I'm not that articulate. You'll just need to employ your imagination a little bit. Why was it good you ask?

Our theme of the night was "Our God in this Journey" and it was basically a worship night that was had four parts: a call to worship, Remember: God is Faithful, Dwell: God of Peace, God of Hope. In each of those parts there was a scripture reading, a performing arts piece (testimonies given live, through video & spoken word), and worship. At the end of each part, there was a worship set. The way we picked the set was that we had each senior pick one song that was significant for them in college and explain why it was significant.

Not only did it actually come together, it went well. God was so present and so glorified in our testimonies and in our worship that my heart was so incredibly full of joy and gladness. Kokeb and Scott's testimonies were so powerful. I've never seen BCF move and dance and be uninhibited in worship as I saw during the last set. I don't think I could've asked for a better way to end my time at catalyst. Thank you Jesus, thank you community. It was truly an amazing night! God is good!

Now I can say that I've splashed around in the Royce plaza fountain. And I can say that I've gone ice blocking down Janss Hill. If only we tunneled, I could've checked off yet another thing off my list of stuff that you should do before you graduate from UCLA.

ANDDDD...Now I have a sore throat. BUT IT'S WORTH IT! I'm a happy camper ^_^

OH, and I'm going to Guatemala! I found out this morning! PTL that singing gets to be a huge part of my summer!