It's time.

I've spent most of August working out my emotions, my grief, & my joy.  The emotional roller coaster made time with Jesus incredibly necessary for sanity and peace.  But now that most of the crazy changes have occurred, I'm beginning to settle into a new normal for this next season of life.  I'm grateful for the ways that God and people have cared for me and supported me this month.  I am looking forward to being emotionally available to care for others like I have been so extravagantly cared for these past few weeks.  There comes a point where being on the receiving end of blessing becomes stagnant and not life giving anymore.  Time to let the blessing flow out again.  Exciting times! Thanks J.

Happy girl!

I am a happy girl. Surprised. Scared. Uncomfortable. Excited. Shocked. Giddy. Expectant.

I don't know why Jesus has decided to bring this into my life now, in this moment, but it has been sufficiently stretching.  It has taken an incredible amount of trust and prayer to be okay with this change in my life.  I tend to freak out occasionally, but when I remember to sit in the presence of my maker, I sense that He is beckoning me to start taking risks again.  Which inevitably means learning to trust others.  And when I sit in His presence, He encourages and invites me to embrace how wonderfully awkward new beginnings can be.

So he asked me a question, and I said yes. I thought you would never ask....!
(Actually, seriously. I really never thought he would.) 

Unexpected.

So I have been out walking on the water, so to speak, for a little bit now.  How incredibly crazy and unexpected life has been since I prayed that radically bold and slightly idiotic prayer.  

This summer has been quite eventful as far as post college life goes.  I decided to bite the bullet and try going to a new church, which has been one of the most life giving decisions.  All throughout college, I never found a church that I felt like I could call home, nor want to be involved in.  In the short time that I have been going to the River, I really think that I want to stay here for a long time and be involved.  God has also blessed me in other very tangible and deeper ways through the community that I am beginning to build at The River.  

While the past year was one of the driest, uncertain, and directionless years of my adult life, it seems like my life since June has been placed on a moving train down a track.  Not that all the pieces of life are falling in place, but Jesus is doing a lot of reviving and renewal in my soul and in the tangible, physical life around me.  I am so grateful.  I recently asked Jesus a why question to which I didn't expect much of a response.  I did hear somewhat clearly, "So that you may know the fullness of my grace."  Now if I were to tell you my question, that wouldn't make much sense to you as an answer, and I was very confused.  But as time goes on, it's starting to make a little more sense.  Though events in my life are still unfolding and are by no means completed, I'm beginning to see how this may really actually be His answer to my question.  I am now just wondering exactly how much that answer will cover the circumstance in my life.  

But for now, there is peace in my heart despite the unknown future that lies ahead.  I am content with the knowledge and feeling of the restoration work that God is doing in my heart.  And whatever happens, Jesus gets all the credit. Like for real.

Reflecting on Rachelle.

Let's just start by saying, there's no way that this is going to be eloquent.  I've had so many thoughts and emotions since Friday night that I am truly emotionally exhausted.  From outright denial and disbelief to a peaceful calm to devastating sorrow, I've felt it all.  All in the midst of having no friends locally (at least during the weekend) who knew this wonderful woman.  It has been interesting to say the least.

My first thoughts go to who Rachelle was and is to me.  She is fiercely loyal, generous, compassionate, genuine and downright amazing.  She is perhaps one of the few women in my life who can listen to me vent and make me feel heard and understood while simultaneously helping me to see humor and joy in the midst of whatever problem I think there is.  I only hope she knew just how much her friendship meant to me.  I hope that I was able to affirm her and love her and be Jesus to her just as much as she did all those things for me.

I also think back to when I saw her early July.  It was after summer con but before Honduras.  I am so incredibly thankful to hear how summer con and prayer seminar blessed her despite an incredibly difficult year.  Though she may not see herself as a hopeful person, I have never known such a courageous and persevering woman as Rachelle despite the shit in her life (she would approve of my word choice).

So in the memory of her character and her testimony, I realize how important and how much I really do want people to know Jesus, because honestly, you really never know.  There is a renewed sense of urgency.  That everyday we live really is quite a gift and a blessing.  So you can bet that I will be bold for Jesus in your memory, Rachelle.  Thank the Lord that people had the boldness to pray for you and to pursue you.  Thank God that there were people in your life to bring the Kingdom of God near to you.  I can only hope that I can continue to bring the Kingdom of God to others.  That's the least I can do in memory of you.

You are my beloved friend.  Your friendship is truly irreplaceable.  I love you so much, Rachelle. I will never forget you. I hope Jesus will throw you the most amazing 21st birthday party.  If anyone deserves to be in heaven and experience the tangible presence and love of God, it's you.  There were things I wanted to tell you after Honduras, but I won't get a chance to do that.  But maybe it's okay because I can already hear your silly and snide remarks to the details of my life.  God, I love you woman.  Party hard.  And I'm sure you're saving up all your strength for a frontal hug of epic proportions.  The thought makes me shutter a bit.

Cuteness Overload

So we've been doing music curriculum and I have been bringing in different musical instruments each day.  One of my kids LOVES anything music related.  He knows that sitars are from India, bagpipes are from Scotland, and that didgeridoos are from Australia (didn't know that until he told me).  He's super into music and so today when he got to school, he comes up to me and says:

"Manda, can you bring us a hurdy gurdy?"

Uh, say what? haha. I was really confused.  I thought maybe he was trying to say accordian (since he has proclaimed that his favorite instrument), but he kept repeating hurdy gurdy.  Finally, I looked it up and the hurdy gurdy exists!  Who knew that it's a stringed instrument that sounds a lot like bagpipes. Go figure.  It's just totally cute that he asked me to bring one.  Apparently all he can talk about at home is how I'm bringing instruments to school.  So precious.

I don't know if I can find a hurdy gurdy, but I will try to stretch out this music curriculum as long as I can! =)

Music and kiddos.  The two passions of my life.  Yay.