LEAP YEAR! LEAP YEAR!

Everyone is allowed to have bad days every once in awhile right? I suppose that happens when work is stressful and you realize that you need to completely change the direction your life is currently going in.

I am so frustrated, I want to die.

(not really, but I have no satisfying way to get rid of my frustration.)

time to hyperventilate and shake while I emotionally implode.

& the sad part is--I don't even wanna talk about it.

it's just satisfying and helpful enough to know that somebody knows that I'm really really angry and upset.

now you know.

kbye.

Day 2

FYI, I won't be posting everyday...BUT, I did upload my prayer seminar song, so if you would like to hear that, you may have a listen.

http://www.purevolume.com/itsamanduuuuh

Ash Wednesday

http://www.purevolume.com/itsamanduuuuh

Welcome to my Lent project, where I fast self-consciousness and protectiveness of my voice. Eventually when I have more time, I will add more, but this is what I got for now.

The "Set Fire to the Rain" cover was done tonight. It's rough cause I never really have the time or patience to make things really good. But I enjoy singing, so I hope you enjoy listening!

Satisfaction.

26 hours of dancing. 31 hours straight of being awake. Laughter. Hilarity. Delirium. Sore feet & knees & shoulders. $450,000 raised for children infected and affected by pediatric AIDS. The loosey goosey dance. Awesome moralers. Almond milk tea from Volcano Tea House at midnight. Surprise people at 6am. Praying every 3 hours.

Visiting my hilarious apartment mates. Having such gracious hosts. Seeing the old people Sunday night. Ran into a friend who is seeking J in Powell. Visiting the sculpture garden. Walking around the beautiful UCLA campus with E. Running into A in Sunset. Mr Noodle.

Those people & that place brings me so much joy it's ridiculous. So satisfied. Thanks J.

Ah, Happiness (and music!)

I'm listening to the janky senior catalyst recordings. It reminds me that we were at Shepherd of the Hills until like 2am during finals week or something like that. And we were all pretty delirious. I've only listened to Say So! so far, but I can't help but smile. The bass is ridiculous loud. And the piano and the electric guitar is going nuts. Makes me think of the people who are playing those instruments, and I miss them greatly. And we're rushing so much cause we're all so hyped up doing our own thing...all together haha. I'm pretty sure it was during this song that a particular someone mooned us (accidentally?). I hear laughter and old conversations. Ah, great times. These recordings are like little presents of joy in the form of music.

And a thought from yesterday...

Music exposes my emotions. Part of the reason why it’s so hard for me to write or record on my own is because I feel truly exposed. Whatever song I choose to record, whatever chord progression and at whatever intensity, will inevitably expose how I’m feeling that day--how I’m responding to whatever life has given me that particular hour, day, week, or even longer than that. It scares me that my emotion expressed in such a vulnerable way can be recorded, frozen in time for all to hear for the rest of time. That’s um, terrifying. To say the least.

Part of the reason it’s terrifying is because I’ve grown to believe that I’m too emotional for normal people to handle. I’ve learned to tone down my excitement, my exaggeration, my overwhelming response to anything that evokes emotion in me. And while it’s important to learn how to interact well with people, I’m also re-learning how important it is to be true to myself. When I restrict who I am and the way I love to be expressive, I become self-conscious of my emotions and consequently the gift that God has given me to express myself in music is stifled. When I am self-conscious of my emotions, I hold back on the ways I can share my emotions through music with others, and perhaps give them outlets of expressing their emotions too.

I'm still figuring that out. I'm realizing how much I dream & how many things I want to do. I feel like I don't have the time or energy to do it all, but I'm trying to continue to grow in those things.

PS, I get to babysit my baby tomorrow! I am so so so excited. You have no idea. Nooooooo idea.