Ah, Happiness (and music!)

I'm listening to the janky senior catalyst recordings. It reminds me that we were at Shepherd of the Hills until like 2am during finals week or something like that. And we were all pretty delirious. I've only listened to Say So! so far, but I can't help but smile. The bass is ridiculous loud. And the piano and the electric guitar is going nuts. Makes me think of the people who are playing those instruments, and I miss them greatly. And we're rushing so much cause we're all so hyped up doing our own thing...all together haha. I'm pretty sure it was during this song that a particular someone mooned us (accidentally?). I hear laughter and old conversations. Ah, great times. These recordings are like little presents of joy in the form of music.

And a thought from yesterday...

Music exposes my emotions. Part of the reason why it’s so hard for me to write or record on my own is because I feel truly exposed. Whatever song I choose to record, whatever chord progression and at whatever intensity, will inevitably expose how I’m feeling that day--how I’m responding to whatever life has given me that particular hour, day, week, or even longer than that. It scares me that my emotion expressed in such a vulnerable way can be recorded, frozen in time for all to hear for the rest of time. That’s um, terrifying. To say the least.

Part of the reason it’s terrifying is because I’ve grown to believe that I’m too emotional for normal people to handle. I’ve learned to tone down my excitement, my exaggeration, my overwhelming response to anything that evokes emotion in me. And while it’s important to learn how to interact well with people, I’m also re-learning how important it is to be true to myself. When I restrict who I am and the way I love to be expressive, I become self-conscious of my emotions and consequently the gift that God has given me to express myself in music is stifled. When I am self-conscious of my emotions, I hold back on the ways I can share my emotions through music with others, and perhaps give them outlets of expressing their emotions too.

I'm still figuring that out. I'm realizing how much I dream & how many things I want to do. I feel like I don't have the time or energy to do it all, but I'm trying to continue to grow in those things.

PS, I get to babysit my baby tomorrow! I am so so so excited. You have no idea. Nooooooo idea.