Hey,

I miss you.

That's all.

-Amanda

I'm not going to complain or whine about my life, because God is really good! But gosh darn it, as good as God is, it doesn't make the sting of leaving go away. My days are filled with so much joy--good friends and so many reminders of God's goodness and faithfulness, yet there's always an undertone of sadness. I've been feeling it a lot lately. If you asked me how I'm doing the last two days, I would have said good, because I am. But sad. Always a little sad. I think I've had this lurking sadness since the middle of winter quarter. I should be living it up and enjoying myself and the time I have left! And I am, believe me...I am. I just am still mourning in anticipation of moving on.

I keep having dreams about being asked to travel to a foreign country completely and totally unprepared. Like, packing up whatever I can find in my room at the moment and just go. These dreams have left me feeling unsettled. These nights aren't restful. I realize that I'm going to another country soon, but there's so much less anxiety about that than there is about graduating and essentially being asked to leave UCLA and my Intervarsity community earlier than I am ready for. Sigh. It's May and I'm still not ready to go yet.

Extravagant Love

I'm really thankful to have a sister who is passionate about racial reconciliation. I'm grateful for her joy and our shared excitement for what heaven will be like and for a world with reconciled relationships. I'm so lucky to have a relationship with my sister where I can share honestly and vulnerably about the ways God is healing my ethnic identity.

I'm really blessed to have a dad who is learning about racial reconciliation & is leading a men's group on that very topic. He always gets really excited to tell me when someone else wants to join the group, and that he's trying to get a really diverse group so that they can discuss it together. I felt so affirmed in who I am when my dad called today and told me he was writing a sociology paper for his Bible class. My parents are actually incredibly ethnically aware. I'm encouraged to watch them grow and deepen their faith.

I never thought I'd talk so much about race and ethnicity with my family. I have been asking God to show me how he extravagantly loves me and is fighting for my healing...if this isn't a picture of God's extravagant love and care for me, I don't know what is.

Thanks Jesus. Thank you for being so good.

Details

I feel like a deer caught in headlights when I'm overwhelmed with little details for a lot of different things. I need to make lists. Lists of when to take care of each thing. And cross it off after I finish it so that I won't have to run the details in my head over and over again, making sure that I did them. I think that I've taken care of everything that I need to this morning. But I still feel slightly worried that I haven't. I mean, there's always more to be done, right?

Why is it that even though I know that I can hope in God's promises to restore and redeem me, I still despair? Why is it so easy for me to feel completely hopeless and afraid and insignificant when I know those are all lies? I really need you Jesus.

Two years late...

I need to let myself be loved by God. I want to see how He is loving me, how I am his beloved, and the things He is doing in my life to show me how immense His love is for me.

I think after two years, I'm finally ready to wait. I actually want to wait and learn and grow. God has certainly showed me a lot these past two years despite how he has been dragging me against my will. I'm ready to keep going in this wilderness knowing this is exactly where I should be right now, knowing that this is the best place for me to be.