Wow. Well that was unexpected.

I'm incredibly emotionally instable right now, but I thank God for holding me together. It's been a rough night, but in the best way possible because God simultaneously made me aware of how deeply broken my ethnic identity is and also affirmed the fact that it is NOT okay that I have been hurt. I'm definitely still processing this, but if you read my blog and you would like to know what God is doing in my life, I would be very appreciative if you asked me. But a little disclaimer: you can only ask me if you 1. really want to; 2. really care; and 3. are willing to enter into a part of my healing. I'm not interested in sharing this with people who won't be able to share in the joy of what God is beginning in my life. I wouldn't be able to emotionally handle that. Not to scare you into not asking me, but...this is a big deal to me, just FYI.

But for now, I just want to say that I'm thankful that my apartment is quiet, that I'm able to sit and process everything that catalyst brought up. I'm thankful for Joey for always making me smile. I'm thankful for Lionel for noticing and even in our very brief interaction, communicated that he cares, that he noticed, and that he wants to know what God is doing in my life. I'm thankful for Becca for always being there. I'm thankful for my worship team for being people I trust, and who will just sit with me as I silently fall apart on the inside. I'm thankful for Scott for listening and being a good friend. I'm thankful for seeing on my facebook that Guz is going to visit UCLA; literally seeing her wall post nearly made my heart explode with happiness. Needless to say, I am excited. And last but certainly not least, I'm thankful that Mike sent us his song so that we could learn it and play with him. I'm thankful that I have it and that I can listen to it on repeat as I sit here and engage with Jesus.

But anyways. I had no idea that I needed this much healing, nor that it was even possible. I can only imagine what else God has in store...

I'm an external processor. Sue me.

I have a love and hate relationship with realizations. On one hand, I love them because my heart finds peace when things make sense. I love realizing my patterns and the route I need to take to reach the place I wish to get to. Yes, I know that life is not formulaic, but nevertheless--patterns exist. I've retraced my steps in my mind trying to figure out how I got from point A to point B in similar situations & a-ha! I have finally found the commonality between specific past experiences that which led me out of one place and into another. Each time, I know that there was nothing in my power that I could've done to make the journey a quicker one, an easier one. There was a sort of...supernatural "click" so to speak. Something within me just completely changed, all in an instant. Every fiber of my being was quickly being teleported to point B. Every part of me was finally all on the same page.

The less than wonderful side of my realization is that I can no longer escape the fact that this process is going to take time. It is going to require patience. Patience has never been one of my strong points, mind you. Also, I am realizing that getting from point A to point B may require me to take an even more active role in the process than I wanted. In fact, I had previously told God I would never do what I may or may not have to do. Unfortunately, I might have to. But if I want to get to point B without losing too much of my life, it might come down to it.

Okay Jesus. Open my eyes. Let's do this.

I've come a long way.

Today I got to hang out with Rachel and Jenna. We made Jenna skip school to go eat dim sum with us in Oakland haha. It was really good to go into Chinatown again. It's been a long time since I don't go to church there anymore. As I walk around those couple of blocks, I realize how many memories I have there. I mean, going to church in Oakland Chinatown for 18 years will do that to you. The most striking thing I realized today were the types of thoughts running through my head and how different they are now than they were four years ago.

Oakland is about a 25 minute drive away from my home in white suburbia. They're basically two completely different worlds. Church was in Oakland, school was in Danville. Life was very segmented. In fact, I never even had my friends over at my house, partially because Jenna was younger and would attack anyone who wasn't family, but I think a deeper issue I never admitted was that I was ashamed of how Chinese culture still dictated some of how my family conducted ourselves in our household. I would think about all the things I would have to explain to my friends, things that would be so intuitive to me, but would seem foreign, strange, maybe even repulsive. I barely related to my Chinese culture, so I did my best to not make things difficult for my friends or my family by trying to bridge the two and make it work. Life was segmented and I was comfortable with that.

Today I saw Chinatown through a different lens. Not only is it a place where I have a lot of memories, but it's a place where my culture thrives and I'm learning to appreciate its beauty. I wish I had time to browse the super smelly markets and do a little grocery shopping. I wish my friends were there so I could show them all the places I used to go in between service and sunday school. I'm learning to embrace my Chinese culture instead of being embarrassed or ashamed. My time in BCF has been even more healing and restorative than I realized before today. I keep saying that I want to grow in my ethnic identity and how I have no idea how to do that, but it seems though that I've gone miles on that journey without even realizing it.

I hope that someday soon, friends can come visit (again or for the first time). I'll take you to Chinatown and it'll be fun!

Make it go away.

I want to be that little five year old girl who crawls onto her daddy's lap and he holds her tight so that the world doesn't hurt her. I'm not as strong as people may think. My heart is just as vulnerable as anyone else's. It can be just as easily misguided and led astray. I just want to go to a place where I know I will be safe. I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be affected by things the way I have been lately. I want Jesus to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and that he will be my shield and my protector. I want him to lavishly give his love to me and pursue me and never leave my side, cause I am desperate for His presence. Jesus, I wish you could just take it away, it's scaring me and making me sad. Please.

Romans 8:28

"Romans 8:28"

I heard this while I was doing listening prayer yesterday. Sometimes I ask God how He is interceding for me and what truths I especially need to be reminded of.

For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hop. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:22-28

Read God's word and be encouraged.

Joy!

I got to sing Eric Whitacre last night!! I'm incredibly thankful to all of the people who came last night! I realize its finals week and stuff, but it really meant a lot to me to be able to share something I absolutely love with people I absolutely love. I'm very very blessed!

PS, I'm with my family! I haven't seen them since New Years! That's a really long time for me. My heart is very glad right now :)

A picture from last night. I love my friends. I thank God for them all the freakin' time.

Last week of school, NBD.

Today, I saw the sunrise, went back to sleep, and almost slept through my discussion, in which I had a lab due. haha.

I'm going to be up late writing a paper due tomorrow and I'll probably be up late tomorrow night finishing stats homework, but you know what? I'm savoring every moment of this because I won't have to do this ever again. Maybe someday, but that day won't be in the next year.

As week 10 has progressed, Jesus has been so good to me and reminding me of his extravagant love for me. He's been incredibly good to me in my time in college. He's blessed me with a greater understanding of Him, myself, and how I interact with people. I've gone through extreme lows and extreme highs and through it all, God is faithful.

I'm so grateful for the people in my life who have reminded me of my belovedness this past week. You have brought me so much joy, and it will get me through these next couple of days of late nights. To God be the glory!

I'm a nerd, whatever.

Hot dang, Gandalf is such a wise man. hahaha. I'm blown away. For now, I leave you with a quote! No worries Frodo, sometimes I feel like this too.

Frodo: Why did it come to me? Why was I chosen?

Gandalf: Such questions cannot be answered. You may be sure that it was not for any merit that others do not possess: not for power or wisdom, at any rate. But you have been chosen, and you must therefore use such strength and heart and wits as you have.

Frodo: But I have so little of any of these things!

___

A side note: I'm obsessed with Chasing Pavements by Adele. Listen to it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08DjMT-qR9g

Letting Go.

So, I haven't really been incredibly transparent with the issues that I deal with or think about, but I think I've reached a point where I'm so confused and frustrated that I need to somehow externally word vomit this somewhere. But honestly, sometimes I wonder how God ever expected men and women to not only work together and be friends, but actually understand each other, encouraged and affirm one another, and care for each other. It kind of seems like a sick joke the way that we are so different and wired differently. It's like we speak completely different languages sometimes: women can be portrayed as too needy, sensitive, manipulative and men can be portrayed as indifferent, passive, immature. God has given me the ability to be aware of how interactions with people & the desire to understand people as best I can to know how to best care for them, and I am grateful for that. With that also comes the ability to see how relationships are broken. I've initiated conversations that bring up these issues that could possibly lead to healing, but honestly...I'm tired. I've been let down and hurt by people so much to the point where I'm shutting down. I really want to just give up cause I really just can't do this right now. I feel like I continually step out of the boat to walk on the water towards Jesus but I keep sinking. I try and try and try to trust Him when he says I can trust people, but I don't know. I'm so tired. Exhausted really.

I'm not completely broken. I have hope in knowing that this is not what God has for his people. I know that we are meant to bless each other and in friendship, remind each other of our belovedness. I know that as men and women we are made in the image of God and that as we push through the difficulty of understanding each other, we can see perhaps a different characteristic of God that we are less familiar with. I just want to trust fall into his arms because I can't really support myself up anymore.

Oh the places you'll go!

Hong Kong.

Taiwan.

Singapore.

Honduras.

Guatemala.

These are the potential countries that I potentially have the opportunity to visit, love the people there, and sing for Jesus. How exciting!

On another note: I love pandora. This just came up on my Joshua Radin and Ingrid Michaelson station. Jesus is so good to me.

Beautiful Things--Gungor

All this pain

I wonder if I'll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found?

Could a garden come up from this ground at all?

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos, life is being found in you

You make me new. You are making me new.