I had a somewhat physically emotional response to worship tonight (maybe it had to do with hearing Eubanks again, idk), but my heart was wrestling with the idea of it being at peace. Peace is something that I feel alludes my heart most of the time. You know how there are some people who continually "ask Jesus into their hearts" just because they're not sure if it happened for real the first time? I think I'm the same way when it comes to believing that my heart, mind, and soul are at peace. Especially as it relates to the concept of romantic relationships.
I shy away from this topic quite a bit since my life has been consumed by it for the past probably 12 years. Only now in the past year, maybe even a couple of months do I feel like it's taken an appropriate place in my thought life.
But now that I feel comfortable sharing this in a public setting like this, I just thought I would be honest with myself and with others. I would really like to be in a relationship at some point. I'm past the point of "thinking things" because I'm good friends with a guy. Frankly, I'm past letting a friendship get to a point where it's confusing, because that's not healthy and not the way I want it to happen anyway. I'm satisfied in knowing that when it's right, it will happen, and that I will be pursued.
I also acknowledge the fact that at if I were to be in a relationship before these last couple of months, it had the great potential of dissuading me from continuing to press into Jesus and where he was leading me. I don't want to get comfortable in a relationship knowing that I have the security of that one person who will care for me deeply and will support me...I know now that I would never want a relationship to deter me from listening to God's voice and leading. I also know that I would rather be single forever than settle. Because I'd rather be single and free to love people and serve them wherever than be stuck in a miserable marriage.
I would really like kids at some point, and I think I would make a pretty damn good mother, but if I never have the opportunity to have any of my own, I know that God will create spaces for me to pour into other children who are not my own and raise them up in the Lord.
I am who I am. I don't need a man to tell me that I'm worthy of love because my creator, savior, and redeemer tells me that every day. If by some miracle, God brings someone into my life in a romantic capacity, then I will first of all, be super surprised, quite astonished, and possibly a bit in disbelief. But until then....
Seek first the kingdom of God.
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